How do we rein in son’s partying, failing grades?
Q: Our son’s first semester at university didn’t go so well. He spent most of his time partying and playing video games. Truth is, that was how he ended high school too. We can barely afford his tuition and don’t know what to do if this is how he uses his time at university. How do we help him be more productive?
A: The best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour. You have said that there is nothing new in your son’s behaviour and that indeed, it is a continuation from high school.
You have also essentially bailed him out by generously paying his university tuition. And it appears likely that as he gets himself into trouble, you will continue to bail him out.
This is the dance many parents get into while inadvertently enabling the very behaviour they seek to end.
It’s unlikely that your son will change if you don’t change first: by no longer bailing him out. If he continues to party and fail at school you can instead make supports available to him, such as counselling and attending seminars at school to, in essence, learn how to learn. These are usually available at no charge through student services.
If he doesn’t make use of such supports, you can reconsider providing financial support as it creates a disincentive for him to change anything. He is comfortable with his situation and, quite likely, enjoying himself.
Take time to refocus and consider how you will manage the pushback from your son when you have stopped bailing him out and he has to manage things for himself.
That shift can be quite challenging for parents, who may need support to manage it successfully. Your family doctor is likely familiar with the programs available in your community.
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