We love each other but his grown children exclude me
Q. I’ve been dating a man 20-plus years older than me, for three years. He’s going through a divorce.
We love each other deeply and have travelled together. I’ve met his friends, mother, and siblings. He’s met my teenage son and my family.
However, his two adult children haven’t met me. Whenever we’re invited to a family function, I cannot attend.
They feel their mother’s being replaced.
I also don’t know where our relationship’s going. We don’t discuss long-term plans, like living together or getting married. A. Is it his kids, or him? After three years, mature people who love each other must each feel validated by the other, publicly. It means telling grown children that you’re a couple. And can’t keep being excluded.
He apparently moved into this romance early in his divorce process.
He needs to tell them that, while he respects their relationship with their mother, his marriage is over.
The bigger issue: does he really want a next phase for your relationship?
Or is he contented with a date-romance and vacations together? Time to ask.
Waiting around for the topic to arise, is frustrating and foolish. If it’s important for you to know now, say so. Once discussed, other issues will become easier to handle.
Reader’s Commentary Regarding the on-off girlfriend who wants to be “just friends” (Nov. 23):
“She’s hardly offering crumbs. She’s offering the reality that it’s time to move on.
“She’s always been on-off, but he’s not accepted this. He’s expected something more.
“Her career progression may mean heavy time commitment for months or years … or a change in city or country, and a new lifestyle or circle of friends.
“Does she struggle over, “Can he move with me and settle well in a new city, or should I give up that chance and stay with him?”
“She apparently doesn’t see a longterm future with him so she’s winding things up. But she wants to end it in a friendly and respectful manner.
“Even if she doesn’t really plan to stay “just friends,” is it so wrong to sugar coat it?”
Ellie — Yes. If she’s offering reality, she has to be honest. Offering “friendship” gives false hope, especially when there’s been on-off history.
It would leave him hoping that she’ll still call, email, ask him to visit, etc.
All just crumbs. She’s over him.
My best friend changed
Q. After my best friend separated from her longtime boyfriend, she changed greatly. She’s had many sexual partners within two months and claimed she loved the last three.
She’s lost her job, doesn’t think about anything but men, and shares inappropriate information.
She’s known her new “love” one week.
I’m trying to be supportive but fear for her sexual adventures and am annoyed that she only talks about men and sex.
I avoid phone calls and texts because I’m so disappointed in her behaviour.
I’ve voiced my opinions, but nothing matters but that “he” loves her.
A. No, you’re being a concerned best friend. But, instead of judging, ask what else she likes about the latest lover. Suggest meeting him, so she can see him through your eyes too.
Maybe she just needs to feel free for a while. It’s a phase, but you can tell her gently that it comes with consequences.
Examples — sexually transmitted infections (STI’s), damage to her reputation and worse, damage to her selfesteem after each “love” leaves.
Be caring but concerned. This phase will pass.