He can calculate opposing quarterbacks’ launch angles
Who says coaching football isn’t rocket science? Patriots defensive co-ordinator Matt Patricia boasts a degree in aeronautical engineering from Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute.
NFL HEADLINES
Sign spotted at the Cleveland parade “honouring” the 0-16 Browns: “Hey, LeBron, can you play quarterback?”
At TheKicker.com: “Gruden already putting Raiders assistant coaches through two-a-days.”
THEY’LL DRINK TO THAT
Green Bay, sporting 138 bars, has been proclaimed the nation’s drunkest city by 24-7 Wall Street. So was that before or after Aaron Rodgers broke his collarbone?
DOG DAYS OF WINTER
Boomer, a 14-week-old Chihuahua-Pomeranian mix, has been getting rave reviews in workouts for Puppy Bowl XIV on Feb. 4. In other words, the pup looks really good on paper.
FASTBALL? NO KIDDING
Indians hurler Trevor Bauer — using a fivestep running start and a three-ounce ball — uncorked a pitch clocked at 116.9 m.p.h. So who needs to hear the crack of the bat when you can have a sonic boom?
IN THE FILM ROOM
“12 Strong” is a new movie about: a) Special forces fighting against the Taliban. b) Seahawks fans refusing to bathe until they’re in the playoffs again.
A DAY TO RELISH
Former big-leaguer Mark Hamburger, pitching for Melbourne, broke the Australian Baseball League record with a 16-strikeout game. In other words, Hamburger had extra cheese and mustard that day.
A CLOTHES SECOND
Florida State looks poised to hire natty dresser Deion Sanders as an assistant football coach. Finally, someone with more wardrobe options than Oregon!
FISTFUL OF DOLLARS
A man in Cocoa, Fla., was arrested for allegedly punching an ATM because it gave him too much money. Taking no chances, the ATM is now in the concussion protocol after complaining of withdrawal symptoms.
ROLLED TIDE
An Alabama playbook was stolen from an assistant coach’s backpack at the team hotel just days before the Tide’s title-game date against Georgia. Fortunately for Bama, it apparently didn’t have the “Seattle” play in it.
TALKING THE TALK
Brad Dickson of the Omaha (Neb.) WorldHerald, on NBC’s plans for 2,400 hours of Winter Olympic coverage: “If you don’t despise mixed-doubles curling at the beginning, you will by the end.”
Jim Barach of WCHS-TV in Charleston, W.Va., after ex-WWE star Christy Hemme gave birth to quadruplets: “Or as that is called in the wrestling business, forming her own tag teams.”
MORE HEADLINES
In the New Orleans Times-Picayune: “The Panthers already have a new owner: the New Orleans Saints.”
At SportsPickle.com: “Jeff Fisher: ‘I’d like to think I have a lot to do with Titans advancing to divisional round.’”
At TheKicker.com: “Insult to injury: After tough loss, UGA bulldog transfers to Alabama.”
QUOTE MARKS
ABC’s Jimmy Kimmel, after first-year QB Tua Tagovailoa rallied the Crimson Tide to another national football title: “The state of Alabama hasn’t seen a freshman scramble like that since Roy Moore visited a local high school.”
Ron Borges of the Boston Herald, not surprised by reports of Patriots discord: “It’s the norm in professional sports and in today’s corporate America. If you want a gold watch in 2018, buy a jewelry store.”
RJ Currie of SportsDeke.com, on decibel queen Maria Sharapova’s loudest shriek: “It happened when Australian Open officials announced the withdrawal of Serena Williams.”
Comedian Argus Hamilton, on why the College Football Playoff title game can’t be named after President Trump: “The Orange Bowl was already taken.”
NBC’s Seth Meyers, on O.J. Simpson denying long-running rumours that he is Khloe Kardashian’s biological father: “But then he announced his new book about his relationship with Kris Jenner called ‘If We Did It.’”
Comedy writer Tim Hunter, on the Oakland A’s offering free admission to their April 17 game against the White Sox: “However, some fans are holding out because they insist on being paid.”
Jeff Gordon of STLtoday.com, on Raiders owner Mark Davis hiring Jon Gruden to coach: “The franchise added a questionable haircut to the worst haircut in pro sports.”
Janice Hough of LeftCoastSportsBabe.com, not worried after the Warriors’ Stephen Curry is out with a sprained ankle again: “It’s January — he should be recovered before the NBA pre-season ends in April.”