It sure beats having to work for a living
Cheques, please.
Fired Arkansas coach Bret Bielema will receive 37 monthly instalments of $322,567.57 through Dec. 31, 2020 as called for his in buyout, the Hogs’ support foundation announced. Final score: Greenbacks $11,935,000, Razorbacks 0.
Headlines
— At SportsPickle.com: “Report: NCAA considering death penalty for NCAA.”
— At NFL Memes on Facebook: “1-31: Happy Hue Jackson Day!”
Crying in your beer
Dogfish Head’s new beer — called In Your Mace! — is brewed with chili oils, the active ingredient in pepper spray.
Finally, a beer so good it brings a tear to your eye.
Peeling off some green
Adam Stalmach, 24, stripped and flailed around on the 17th green before a practice round at the Waste Management Phoenix Open last Wednesday.
He faces charges of indecent exposure, disorderly conduct and improper waist management.
Points, counterpoints
Fontbonne of St. Louis beat Greenville (Ill.) 164-154 in overtime Wednesday night, breaking the NCAA Division III record for combined points.
In other words, they scheduled a D-III men’s basketball game, and the NBA All-Star Game broke out.
Higher Call Dept.
Spotted on the reader board at Crossroads Community Church in Carver, Mass.: “The Bible mentions Eagles 33 times and the GOAT 42. Patriots win by 9.”
Mission accomplished
Ravens cornerback Marlon Humphrey is facing a third-degree robbery complaint for allegedly taking an Uber driver’s $15 phone charger.
Probably not the way he had in mind, but he did get charged, right?
Truth in advertising
LeBron James would consider playing for Golden State next season if the NBA powerhouse can offer him a max contract, ESPN reported.
In related story, they also plan to scrap the “Warriors” moniker and replace it with “Western Conference All-Stars.”
A little overboard
Talking about experiencing a roughwater paddling.
A Japanese kayaker landed an eight-year ban for spiking his rival’s drink.
Talking the talk
— NBC’s Jimmy Fallon, on the man who broke a Guinness world record by walking barefoot on a 120-foot path of loose Legos: “This beats the old record set by every dad getting up to use the bathroom at night.”
— Patriots coach Bill Belichick, to reporters, when asked the difference between this Super Bowl and his previous seven: “This one is in Minnesota.”
The hills are alive
Switzerland’s Lucerne University of Applied Sciences and Arts will offer bachelor’s and master’s degrees in yodelling, starting in the 2018-19 academic year.
So what’s next, a Lit minor in “Old Yeller”?
Fasten your seatbelts
USC sold the naming rights for the L.A. Memorial Coliseum to United Airlines.
New to next season’s concessions menu: tiny bags of honey-roasted nuts.
More headlines
— At TheOnion.com: “Cleveland Indians owner admits Chief Wahoo no longer compatible with modern revenue-growth expectations.”
— At TheKicker.com: “James Harrison petitions to have the Eagles play in Steelers uniforms.”
Plan B isn’t so hot
The Packers didn’t bring back a bunch of assistant coaches, including QB coach Alex Van Pelt.
Apparently Van Pelt wasn’t quite as brilliant when Aaron Rodgers wasn’t playing.
X factors
Among the 10 most amazing aspects of the new XFL, from SportsPickle.com:
— All tackles that are not helmet-to-helmet result in immediate ejection from the game.
— Players who kneel for the anthem will be hit in the back of the head by a metal chair.
— When someone catches the football, it will count as a catch.
History repeats itself
“Who says the Pro Bowl is not like regularseason or playoff games?” writes Janice Hough of LeftCoastSportsBabe.com.
“Drew Brees exits with a lead, and defence gives it away.”
Dunking for dollars
Players on the winning NBA All-Star team this year will pocket $100,000 — double what it was a year ago.
Though they were pushing for $1,000 for every point their team scored.
Quote marks
— Comedy writer Alex Kaseberg, wondering if concussed Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski might have been cleared too soon: “After practice, Gronk asked the blocking dummy for her phone number.”
— Former NFL centre Matt Birk, to the St. Paul Pioneer Press, on why he keeps his Super Bowl ring in a cabinet above his oven or on his tie rack: “That’s the truth. If I hid it somewhere, I’d forget where I hid it.”
— Bill Barnwell of ESPN.com, on Washington earning kudos for landing QB Alex Smith after botching the Robert Griffin III and Kirk Cousins situations: “You shouldn’t congratulate a company for doing a great job of cleaning up its own toxic waste spill, though.”
— Xander Schauffele, to Golf Digest, why he’s still driving the same “scuffed up” Toyota Camry he had well before he won PGA Tour Rookie of the Year: “The lease isn’t up yet.”