GETTING READY FOR VALENTINE’S DAY
Local shops were busy Tuesday preparing Valentine’s Day surprises. Above: Kerry James builds a balloon creation in her Ottawa Street shop, Kerry’s Party for Less. Left: Employee Alesha Smith, left, packages and wraps peanut butter and Oreo chocolate bombs
Well, it’s Valentine’s Day.
And guess what? For once, you’ll be spending it with someone! That person you met through your dating app, the one you’ve messaged a million times but have yet to meet face to face. And if it works out, it will probably be the last time you celebrate Valentine’s Day because really, after you’ve been together for five minutes, who cares? No one. Not unless you’re 13 years old or work in marketing.
(And don’t even get me started on Galentine’s Day, a day when women are supposed to celebrate basking in each other’s friendship. Right. That’s every Friday night, people. We don’t need to front like, ‘Oh I don’t care about V-Day so I’m going to go out with my besties the night before to show the world how much I don’t care.’ It’s like calling your ex to tell him you have no interest in speaking to him. Please. If you don’t care, don’t celebrate not caring. That is the definition of caring. Do guys have a Guy-entine’s Day? No.)
However, because we tend to regress back to our tween selves when it comes to these celebrations, and V Day loomed large on your calendar, you’ve been swiping frantically in search of The One. And it worked! Because after testing the waters, messaging back and forth with many, then a few, now narrowed down to this one person, you are finally ready to meet IRL. In anticipation of this night, you made reservations eons ago at one of the hip new joints downtown, the perfect setting to meet the person with whom you might spend the rest of your life.
It always feels that way, doesn’t it? The excitement, as you walk up the steps to the restaurant? You connected so well via text, it’s like you were made for each other. You enjoy the same activities, have the same sense of humour, share similar insights on whatever. Only there’s one problem: the person you’ve been messaging is not the person you’re about to meet. Because your Maybe V-Day Soulmate 2018 hired a ghostwriter
and you’ve been communicating with them. That’s right, the person you thought was so witty, so sparkly in message form, ya, that was the ghostwriter. The ghostwriter who crafted the dating profile you found so charming, who made that funny observation about that thing, who decided to post that quirky photo even though it wasn’t the most flattering, that was the ghostwriter, too.
I’m not going to lie: my eyes lit up with little green dollar signs when I first read that ghostwriting people’s dating apps is a thing. One successful ghostwriter who was interviewed by Glamour, the Washington Post, MarketWatch and probably a
whole bunch of other publications, Meredith Golden, claims she charges $2,000 a month to take over your dating app. She will write your profile, search for matches, curate your photos and do all the messaging — you just step in when it’s time to meet in real life. And I know that people will hire professional photographers to shoot “candid” photos for their dating apps. I know because I’ve been hired for just that purpose. But impersonating someone else is a whole other thing. A good photographer can shoot great candid photos of someone, even in the most contrived circumstance. But how do you accurately impersonate another person’s character or writing voice?
Yes, there are people who aren’t confident communicating via text who might need help. And yes, lots of people can’t express themselves properly through writing. But have you ever been on an online date with whom you got along with so swimmingly via text, but when you’re sitting in front of each other, it’s like meeting
a completely different human? Well, this would be the same thing. Unless the ghostwriter is exceptionally talented at impersonating you, I guess.
It’s too much pressure for me, though. Also, Golden suggests online daters not swipe on the weekends because it gives the impression you’ve got nothing to do but sit around on a Saturday, looking for dates. Um, ya? Obviously. If you’re a sloth, why wouldn’t you want to meet someone who matches you in slothness? I don’t get that. Also, she advises against spilling all your dirty secrets and crazy until you meet IRL, which I also would find exceptionally challenging. So maybe I wouldn’t be so great at this job.
In any case, don’t say you weren’t warned. And whatever your plans this evening, may they involve spending it with someone (partner, friend, yourself ) or something (wine, pizza, box of discount chocolates) or some pet that you love.
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She will write your profile, search for matches, curate your photos and do all the messaging — you just step in when it’s time to meet in real life.