Twelve years of no happy birthdays? Time to leave

Q. I’ve been seeing this guy on/off for 12 years. Whenever we broke up for several weeks or months, we got back together, until last year when I saw him three times. I love him.

He's been legally separated for 18 years, children grown, but keeps helping his exes (giving a ride, fixing their houses).

He’s never suggested we go on vacation together. He says he goes away alone. I now believe that some of our past arguments were deliberate, so he could have a break and hang out with his exes.

I’ve celebrated some of his birthdays with him. With mine, he’s usually mad at me and doesn’t even call. Whenever I point out things he’s done which hurt me, he denies they happened. I know what I should do but I wanted to hear it from you.

A. Twelve years, no Happy Birthday calls. It doesn’t say it all — there must’ve been some good times and reasons why you loved him — but it says “Enough!”

You gave your heart and he held on to his. Yes, you know what you need to do.

Start with taking care of yourself: Make your surroundings comfortable, perk up how you feel physically through eating healthy foods, and being active for energy.

Get outside, meet up with close, supportive people, plan outings to see and do interesting things.

Give yourself time to heal, and then value yourself to not let anyone squander your emotions again.

Feedback

Regarding the expectant mother who, contrary to her husband, doesn’t want hospital visitors after her caesarean section delivery (Jan. 19):

Reader #1 — “Visitors can come only when they’re invited. Her delivery involves major surgery.

“She should have absolute say about when they receive visitors at the hospital

or at home.”

Reader #2 — “Yes, it's the dad's baby too. It’d be great if they can agree on postbirth visits.

“But ultimately it's the mom's decision. Since most obstetrics wards are locked down, if the mom says “no visitors,” nurses and hospital security will enforce that.

“Nobody has a “right” to the delivery room. Not even dad. If the mom says, "take him out", he must go. A labouring mom gets priority on what's best for her.

“Most new parents want to share the experience and that's great. I don't know what I would’ve done if my husband hadn't been there when our daughter was born.

“But his mother wasn’t allowed at the hospital or at our house until we'd been home a week.

“She got photos and video of first grandbaby each day, but had to wait until we were ready to host her, since she didn’t live locally and would stay with us for a week.”

Reader #3 — “I too wanted no visitors while I was in the hospital. My husband understood.

“People forget that the mother is the patient, the one who’s feeling at her worst physically and possibly emotionally, and exhausted.

“As the patient you can notify hospital staff that visitors are restricted. You can give them a list of who’s welcome, or say no one’s welcome.

“Alternatively, if your husband doesn't truly understand and you want to keep the peace, you can "schedule" visits, e.g. parents and siblings, one set at a time in halfhour intervals.

Feedback No. 2

Reader’s Commentary Regarding the new husband, who refuses sex and calls it “Yuck” (Jan. 15):

“This man was promiscuous for years then goes into abstention? A weight gain and his new job may have some bearing, but I’d bet that he’s impotent.

“For whatever reason, our fathers didn't tell their sons that it happens, and much more than we admit.

“Those blue and yellow pills stop being effective eventually.