Post-divorce awkwardness

Q. Six years ago, I left my husband for a woman. My husband’s dearly loved by my family and I still care about him, but I had to live my truth with a woman who’s now my wife.

We’ve all stayed close, including my siblings and family, and my former husband, my wife and me. After our initial separation, I understood that he was sometimes invited to family events without their including me … he was alone and hurting.

Now, sometimes he mentions going out with my sister and her friends, wrongly thinking that we were invited too.

I feel hurt, left out, sad. A year after our separation, only he was invited to my nephew’s birthday. I called my sister on it. She apologized, claiming uncertainty about which of us to invite. But five years later, she clearly sees that we’re friends.

We’re not young, we’re all retired. Yet I sometimes feel like the teenage girl being kept out of the group in high school.

It’s hard for me to mention this to my wife, who already feels like an outsider, lest she become angry with my siblings. I’ve never had an argument or dispute with them.

A. Talk to your sister, privately. The best way to stay close is to be open about your concerns. Someone in the family feels awkward about being with the three of you together. That’s worth discussing if you can both handle it. Or, you may have to decide whether to accept, ignore, or pursue it further.

Also, ask your ex-husband to not report every event he attends with your family, especially not to your wife as it’ll hurt her feelings.

Stay optimistic

Q. A woman in my city and I connected two years ago but she moved back to her hometown to return to school. Recently, I reached out to her because I realized I missed her.

Our phone conversations helped us re- alize that we give each other what we’ve never found in someone before. We make each other happy. She wants to return here, but whenever we discuss it, she’ll backpeddle.

Her parents are covering tuition fees, and I represent a financial burden in comparison to her getting a “homegrown” scholarship. I can’t move to her city due to health issues that keep me where I am.

Our conversation always ends with both of us excited to see this work out. I have the patience to wait for her potential visit in March, and I can fly to her in the summer. However, I’m afraid to lose her, that I might be the one with more patience. How do I make this easier?

A. You may be over-worrying. There’s a future plan about her moving, to which you’re both looking forward, and scheduled visits to each other’s home cities to keep connected.

You are not the financial impediment in this situation. The cost of switching to a university in your city, without the scholarship she earned where she lives, is what has her and her family concerned. But they’ll soon see in person how strongly you two feel about each other, and may become less worried.

Meanwhile, you’ll have to both relax about it and stay optimistically committed to your long-distance relationship and future together.

‘Ghosted’ for lying

Feedback: Regarding the man who can’t understand why a woman “ghosted” him for lying that he wasn’t divorced (Jan. 20):

Reader — “I once ghosted a man who was married to two women, and later learned he was likely also interested in my money. He was still taking a marital deduction for one wife. He didn’t divorce either because it’d cost him money.

“Why does this man feel entitled to not be ghosted? If you don’t want games, don’t play them. You can’t expect anyone to want to become a second spouse with no legal status and to inherit the liabilities of a prior relationship that she never even knew about.

“She doesn’t owe him anything. The fact that he only says he ‘likes’ her means this is far more calculated a relationship than he’s admitting.”