Wife just wants friendship
Q. I’m 40, a professional, married to my wife for seven years — a second marriage for us both. Until recently, I thought we were very happy. She’s the love of my life.
Looking back, I can see that some of the romance and passion had disappeared, but we were very comfortable with each other. She never said anything to make me think she was unhappy.
When we first started dating she’d said she was never a very sexual person and didn’t have a strong sex life with her exhusband. So, when our sex life became less frequent, I assumed this was just not a priority.
Recently, she told me she was no longer attracted to me and hadn’t been for a long time. I was severely shocked as I thought things were going great, we’d been making plans for the future.
Yet she felt she may want to leave and explore a relationship with someone else. I later learned that one of her first loves had recently, suddenly, messaged her.
Though she says she’s dismissed him, it raised unresolved feelings in her. She realized that if someone from her past can make her feel buried passion, and then I can no longer bring that out in her.
I’m feeling rejected, emasculated, and hurt. She wants to remain friends because she thinks I’ve became more of a friend than a lover, and she can’t look at me any other way.
I wish she’d want to work on the relationship instead of just giving up and moving on. I know I should tell her to leave so I can move on with my life and try to heal. But I’m having a hard time because I still love her and don’t want to lose her.
A. It’s a stark contrast — all the while you felt so happy with your wife, she was growing away from you romantically. Those opposite reactions may be her pattern, since she also lacked a strong sex life with her ex-husband.
She may even be a woman who only feels passion when there’s new excitement in her life. To explore this possibility and its place in her background, she’d need to be willing to go to counselling, either with you or on her own.
And you’d need for her to be willing to share with you what she discovers about herself. However, your descriptions has her sounding like someone who’d rather move on, than open herself up to scrutiny.
If so, I strongly recommend you seek counselling yourself, to help you decide how to handle this.
Rules for teachers
Reader’s Commentary: “You’ve sometimes rightly suggested that a young person suffering abuse at home, confide in a trusted teacher.
“Readers should know that teachers are bound by strict laws and professional requirements to report to social services any situations harmful to our students.
“Then, this nonschool association connects families with resources that can help them handle crises. Teachers are also legally required to provide confidentiality by not speaking about it with other students or only when very necessary with staff (e.g. telling the principal if a nonschool agency needs to be contacted).”
Ugly past
Feedback: Regarding the man with the “Ugly Past” (Jan. 27):
Reader: “He’s stated that his past was unpleasant, he doesn’t want to talk about it, nor revisit the house he was forced to leave.
“His fiancée should understand and respect how hurtful this was. But it’s clear that she doesn’t.
“At some point, he may be ready to talk about it, but not at the present. And he may never be. She needs to drop it or he should reconsider the relationship.
“As much as he loves her and wants to move forward with her, her neglect of his feelings on this is a glaring red flag.
“Perhaps they should get some counselling, or he should get help to evaluate both the relationship and also his past, which he describes past as “miserable.”
“But spending the future with someone who doesn’t respect his feelings is also going to be miserable.”