Four-year-olds checking out body parts is normal

Q: My son is four. I caught him and our neighbour’s girl, who is also four, with their pants down looking at each other’s privates. Neither seemed upset.

I told the girl’s mom. She was OK. We told our kids not to play like this. Is this sexual abuse?

A: It is common for children this age to explore each other’s bodies. They are intrigued by their body parts, their similarities and their differences.

Keep in mind, they are just months to a year or so past potty training — where we focused them on their genitals and rear end. Given the young ages and that it was mutual, this is not sexual abuse.

It is also common for kids this age to find pleasure in touching their genitals and anus. From the child’s perspective, these are just other objects in their environment for exploration.

It is when the parent discovers their exploration that we help the child understand and appreciate the private nature of self-exploration and pleasure. Here the parent may redirect the activity to take place at another time and/or place. Some parents will recommend bedtime, in their bedroom.

Other parents, perhaps feeling awkward around such play, may simply ask the child to discontinue. But rest assured, the child will likely continue, likely finding their own private time and place. Either way, we seek to avoid creating a sense of shame but rather a sense of boundary and privacy. We explain. We don’t blame.

As for the play including the other child, we do want to teach boundaries. So it is common for parents to tell their kids: while you may touch or look at yourself, this is a private thing that’s not done with others present. Again, your children will naturally find this interesting and may seek to continue. They will, therefore, likely require some degree of supervision for the next year or so.

We would consider sexual play or activity between children to be abusive if there is a significant age difference and/or one was coerced (forced) by the other.