Why dating should not be like Top Chef
The early stages of dating can feel like “Top Chef ” on Bravo.
Before you tell me that I must be hungry while writing this article, let me explain.
The season finale of “Top Chef ” recently aired (congrats, Joe Flamm!), and I’m a sucker for a good cooking show. Thursday nights are predictable for me — “Top Chef ” and scotch while rubbing my dog’s belly. You can’t get much better than that!
On “Top Chef,” even if you’re the most skilled chef in the country, have three James Beard awards, and your restaurant has two Michelin stars, you’re only as good as the last meal you cook. You could be the big winner one week, and the next, you may be asked to “pack your knives and go” by Padma Lakshmi.
This is not how dating should be, of course. We are people, not meals. And we, as people, should be able to build a relationship with someone, where trust and conversations are cumulative, not discrete. Early on in new relationships, though, people often hang on to the last thing their new significant other said or did. Maybe yesterday you snuggled in bed for three hours stroking each other’s hair, but today you didn’t talk until 11 a.m.
You’re now worried that the relationship is doomed!
I remember, about 12 years ago, I met someone I liked at a fundraiser. He asked for my number and proceeded to tell me that he’d be travelling for work for two weeks, but he’d call me when he
got back to make plans. And he called. I was happy! The date went well. But, then I didn’t hear from him for a few days. I was confused. Then we had another great date. Happy. He didn’t ask me out again on that date for next time. Sad. I even remember leaving
him a voice mail (this is when people still called rather than texted) after the third date and kicking myself afterward for rambling about who-knows-what. Did I even say my name in the message? What if he thought, “What weirdo can’t even leave a coherent voice mail?” And the kicker was that I didn’t hear from him for a day or two after I had left the message. I was on edge until he finally called back and asked me out again. It was a vicious cycle — happy, sad, happy, confused — all based solely on the last conversation.
Recently, I got a call from a client who has been seeing a woman for a few months. He was on vacation (with bad cell reception), and asked me what to do because his girlfriend told him that she doesn’t think he’s being open with his feelings. He revealed to me that just a few days prior, they talked about how much they enjoyed being together, and he was on the verge of saying “I love you.” Could so much have changed in a matter of days? Of course not. But that’s not how his girlfriend sees it. She’s basing everything on the last communication they had or
didn’t have. That can get exhausting.
Living conversation to conversation, text to text, call to call, is no way to live. Remember that relationships build over time, and all is not lost if you have one “off” day. On the flip side, when someone likes you, there generally shouldn’t be guessing games. I advised my client to call his new almost-love and tell her that while he’s away, he may not be able to communicate as much but rest assured that she’s on his mind.
In any dating situation or relationship, we’ll have days that don’t feel as good as others. We might even have weeks that don’t feel as good as others. But, don’t let those moments overshadow all the good. Just because it’s the last interaction doesn’t mean it’s the most important.
And, if you find yourself getting stressed, wondering where things are, then the simplest and most effective thing you can do is ask. Nothing substitutes good communication.
Erika Ettin is the founder of A Little Nudge, where she helps others navigate the often intimidating world of online dating.