Sexless marriage dying

Q . My sexless marriage is killing me. We had an amazing sex life in our early affair-charged life. My wife previously had far more partners than I did.

I brought children from a prior relationship. Now, many years and another child later, she’s shut down sex.

I’m always angry with her. We only have sex every few months and only when I beg. She wants to lie together (which never leads to sex) which I spitefully refuse.

I’ve used massage therapists for release. But I’m still angry and sad for the loss of intimacy. Avoiding her is my only solution, so we don’t sleep or spend much time together.

She thinks I should “just get over it as all married couples are like us.” That’s untrue and not what I signed up for.

More paid sex is an avenue to pursue, but it’s risky.

How can I calm my anger and restore my balance? I don’t think we can live like this much longer.

A. I have to assume that you’re staying for the sake of the child you had with this wife.

Perhaps you also feel that your older children need the (false) stability of this union.

My point: Have you examined why you stay with her and done the “pro-and-con” lists with the help of counselling?

From my perspective, your constant anger, frustration, resentment (all valid) of your wife’s arbitrary decision will inevitably affect your home environment negatively, as well as the children.

Also, any pattern of “outside” sexual contact — paid or otherwise — does present some sexual health risks, can distance you emotionally.

Besides needing professional help to weigh these choices, you should insist that your wife be part of the solution. Can she handle your having sex with someone else?

You haven’t and won’t just “get over it,” which is not her right to command.

Whatever options you choose, sooner than later you’ll need to confront her with the reality that if she won’t be part of the solution, you’ll do what you please, just like her.

Dreaming of overseas school

Q. I’m finishing my undergraduate degree and looking to study abroad (hopefully in England) for my Master’s degree.

My family lives out west, my dad has cancer. My parents don’t want me to study abroad because of my dad’s illness (although they’re seemingly fine with my currently living across the country).

But it’s always been my dream to pursue my academic career at the best institutions.

Am I selfish for wanting to study overseas? Should I sacrifice some goals to stay close to them?

A. Apply to universities of your choice, abroad and in your country, for backup.

Meanwhile, talk to your father’s cancer specialist for an estimate of the severity of his condition.

Once accepted at school(s), you can make your decision on how often you’ll be able to return home to spend time with your family.

You may consider taking preliminary postgraduate courses toward your ultimate goal, by staying at closer distance if his condition is critical.

If not, accept an overseas school, but be prepared for needing to make a sudden trip home — or postponing a semester.

You’ll still be building toward your ultimate career.

Feedback: Regarding the pregnant wife who called police when her husband threw things in anger (May 9):

Reader: “Trying to reconcile with a man who’s demonstrated violent and unstable behaviour, yet victim-blames when called to account, puts the writer and her children at risk.

“He has a demonstrated pattern of being unable to control his actions or emotions, causing her to fear for her safety, yet she’s the one whom he says “crossed a line.”

“There’s no “going back.” He never was that better person. He wore a mask, which slipped the more vulnerable you became.

“This relationship isn’t a safe place for adults nor children. You didn’t cause this situation, but you can choose whether or not to continue in it.”