Don’t let kids’ activities become a battleground

Q: I am divorced, and my kids are eight and 12. I am forever fighting with my ex about what activities the kids should be in. He keeps telling me that the kids say one thing, but they tell me something different. I think he is only interested in the activities he wants because he likes to do those things. How do I get him to understand what the kids really want?

A: Sorry to hear that the choice of your kids’ activities places them in the middle of parental conflict. I am also sorry to hear that either the kids are telling you different things about their preferred activity or that you believe their dad to be misrepresenting their true choice. It also comes through that there may be no love lost between you and him and there may be a tug of war still ongoing with regard to your kids.

Situations like these anything can become a battleground. A child, witnessing their parents’ conflict, can be afraid to let down one or both, fearing they may also be subject to anger and animosity.

Given this fear, it is not uncommon for kids to tell parents what they think they want to hear. While that strategy may save them from parental anger, it can also create or aggravate the kind of conflict you describe between yourself and their dad.

It is also not uncommon for a child to enjoy an activity with a parent because it creates a sense of closeness. On the other hand, with a spousal separation, the child may fear the resentment of one parent for choosing an activity aligned with the other.

The bottom line is that we may not yet know the true preference of either child because other issues are at play. In situations like this, counselling that begins with the parents together is generally recommended. The counselling is aimed at helping you both understand the impact of conflict on your children and later, perhaps, it can be expanded so your kids can be included in discussing issues and resolving matters that affect the family as a whole.