New job in new city needs new approach
To reduce stress during this period, seek out activities
Q: Lately I have been feeling very insecure and lacking in confidence. It started when I moved to a different city to take a challenging new job. It’s been a few months and I just can’t seem to get my feet under me. What should I do?
—Celia, 31, graphic designer
A: Build multiple platforms to support you in your new setting to get the best grounding.
Many aspects of your life were affected when you moved for this job. You changed homes, lost day-to-day contact with friends and had to establish new routines. While it can be exciting, it can also be exhausting.
At the same time, you are learning a new job, one that may be causing you to stretch more than you may have expected.
That’s a lot of sources of stress at once, and your feelings of insecurity may be your way of reacting. If you are responding by withdrawing, this could exacerbate the issue.
To help you adjust, consider which aspects of your life give you the most strength. For example, if you are athletic, seek out teams or activities to participate in. Similarly, if you are a person of faith, find a religious home that suits you. Engaging in preferred activities will help you connect with the type of personal network you might be craving.
Also, find ways to ease the transition through connections with friends from your former community. It’s easier than ever with mobile phones and social media; also invite people to visit so that you can introduce them to your new environment.
Build routines, finding a favourite grocery store, vet, etc. so that every decision you make doesn’t require effort. This will free up a lot of mental energy.
Now consider your work situation. If your employer recruited you to move for this position, they saw strong potential and value in the skills you bring. Remind yourself of these skills, writing down a list so that they are clear and tangible to you.
While you are at it, make a list of all the strengths you bring, not just intellectual task-based skills. Also consider emotional intelligence characteristics, communication skills and the like to bolster your confidence.
That said, since you are so new in your job, you are probably still on a learning curve.
Think through your primary responsibilities, and take an objective look at your performance. Which have been easy to pick up? Give yourself pats on the back for those. For those that have been a challenge, assess the approaches you have taken, and strategize ways to improve.
Be sure you are getting feedback from your boss. You may well be meeting or exceeding expectations for getting started; in that case, you are putting undue pressure on yourself.
Look at steps you can take to get the support you need.
You will feel better once you have more mastery of your position, so any training, coaching or mentoring you can get will be time well spent.
Finally, be patient with yourself so that you can ease into your new life with less anxiety.
Q: I’ve been actively managing a bully on my team. I’ve documented her behaviour, met with her and HR, had candid talks with her and set action plans. She’s giving lip service to changing her behaviour, but her actions don’t always match. She is a highly skilled analyst so I would hate to lose her. How much leash should I give her and how do I determine whether she is trying hard enough?
—Andrea, 44, director, R&D
A: You have laid the groundwork; now it’s time to stay the course. Most people avoid confrontations. Yet, at least it’s a situation that is fairly clear-cut with a definite issue to address.
Now you are in more of a grey area. As you have noted, it’s hard to assess motivation and, to an extent, it doesn’t matter. If she is continuing to behave badly toward others, even if she doesn’t mean to, the impact is the same. Then, if you tolerate it, you are in essence condoning her abusive behaviour. Don’t forget — the team is watching.
The fact that you are already concerned is a bit of a red flag. To see if you have really set up a sufficiently rigorous and protective approach, revisit the action plan. What are the steps you have set up? A strong plan should address both the past and the future. To start, does the plan include apologies and reparations to people she has harmed? If she has never had to own up to her past behaviour, hear about the damage she has done and understand the reasons it is a problem, any remorse she shows may be merely skin deep.
How specific is the plan about her behaviour? It should describe the type of verbal, nonverbal or even physical actions you expect her to avoid. Consider, too, defining the positive behaviours you expect to see.
Consequences need to be clearly defined and then followed through on. Slippage here will undermine your credibility and enable the bullying, including from others. At the same time, you want to create an environment in which she can earn your trust. This will require an investment of your time and attention. Be prepared for frequent meetings (at least weekly, at first). Sit in on meetings and get cc: ed on emails so that you can catch relapses or improvements. Also get feedback from colleagues to get a full picture.
Then be sure she gets feedback as close to real-time as possible. Provide it yourself, being direct about what you have observed or been told. Then ask for her perspective; she needs to learn to recognize her own patterns in action in order to change.
Help your team members learn how to call her out in the moment, as well; it will be a good skill to have and will help enforce a zero tolerance environment.
There must be an end game. If, despite what she says, the behaviour remains, put your team first. She needs to know that the human side outweighs any technical skills she brings. And if she must leave, the loyalty you will engender will more than pay off in the end.