Our blended family is not quite the Brady Bunch

Q: I have been dating a guy for two years. In all that time, his two kids have never treated me right. I have tried everything to get them to like me. He doesn’t see it as a problem and thinks we should just move in together. I don’t know what to do.

A: We talk about blended families and step-parents, but the truth is: not all second families blend and not all new partners are accepted into the role of stepparent.

There are many reasons why this doesn’t work for some. It may have to do with how soon someone starts dating following a marital separation, the influence of the other parent, the parenting style of the partner you are with, preferences of the children, and so on. Just because the adults have fallen in love doesn’t mean the children will as well.

Notwithstanding the kids and step-parent having love for each other, one would hope that there could at least be a respectful relationship.

However, relationships take time to develop. Along the way, it is important for the adults to have reasonable expectations and not impose their will or preference on the children in terms of the kind of relationship sought. It is also important for the biological parent to take the lead by managing behaviour while respecting the views of their children.

You will have to determine if the situation is something you can continue to live with. By that I mean being in a relationship with a fellow whose kids may not be accepting of you in a context where their father doesn’t see a problem.

I would wonder if the children’s views flow from their dad’s. For everyone’s sake, sort it out before co-habiting. Consider couple’s counselling and if he won’t go, then consider counselling for yourself to figure it out.

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