This isn’t your honeymoon

Q. My youngest son is marrying his longtime live-in partner. He’s financially independent and is paying for the entire wedding.

We’ve offered to purchase an all-inclusive honeymoon for them, with a budget of which they’re aware. I’ve previously taken my two sons and granddaughters on vacation.

Several years ago, I’d purchased a family trip for the entire family at a resort that allowed children. My son’s future bride refused to go to a resort with children.

I stupidly allowed myself to be manipulated into arranging two trips back to back — one with this son and future daughter-inlaw, and one with my other son and his family.

For the honeymoon, we offered at least seven choices, different islands, etc. She’s once again requesting a different location which isn’t on the “list.”

I regret offering this as a present. I feel a gift should be accepted graciously.

My husband just wants to stop the whole process and give them a cheque for a significantly less amount than what the honeymoon would’ve cost.

Are we overreacting?

A. More accurately, you’re overreaching. This couple, and especially your future daughter-in-law, have already clearly shown their independence on personal choice.

Your generous gift was well-meaning but could’ve been without issue had you not defined the choices yourself.

You could easily have offered the amount, which you already decided you could afford, toward their honeymoon.

Don’t just renege … it’ll look like you’re punishing them (her) for not accepting what you wanted.

Say that you want them to enjoy the honeymoon of their dreams.

Then give them the amount you initially decided, and wish them a happy honeymoon wherever they choose.

Al-Anon could help

Q. My good friend’s female roommate, mid-30s, is actually his best friend.

Years ago, she started a casual drinking habit which turned into functional alcoholism, which he’s not addressing.

He says she starts drinking in the morning and continues all day until her evening restaurant job.

She doesn’t look very healthy and is often inebriated when I visit. I can see it weighing on my friend.

Yet he keeps saying that she’s just on a “bender” and will eventually slow down.

I have a family history of alcoholism and don’t believe this’ll happen.

Is this none of my business? Or, should I be pushing my friend to help his roommate before it’s too late?

A. Unfortunately, most alcoholics don’t get sober because someone else urged them to do so.

It has to come from an inner awakening about how they’re limiting their life, or hitting rock bottom. Still, caring people have to try to help.

Take your friend to an Al-Anon meeting. He’ll learn from others involved with alcoholics where his roommate’s drinking can lead, and its effect on him, too.

Write a letter to gauge interest

Feedback: Regarding a woman, raised by a “single” mom who kept her married lover a secret, wanting to contact her half-siblings to learn about her father who’s died (July 25):

Reader: “I suddenly found out at middle age that I have a half-sister — actually quite close to my age.

“Our common father is dead and so is her mother and my mother.

“All the ‘parents’ who would be deeply hurt are dead. That changes everything.

“A new relative is an exciting novelty in one’s life. Whether or not everybody will be each other’s new best friend is up to the parties concerned to decide.

“But your writer might have something to look forward to.”

Ellie: It can be an enlightening time of discovery, or she could be rejected. I suggested she write a letter first to test their interest or lack of it.