The Guy’s Guide to Gardening

Only a guy would employ a flame thrower to kill weeds. How cool is that?

One evening recently I noticed my neighbour Chris appeared to be using a flame-thrower in his front driveway.

Now, I like to think of myself as a neighbour who minds his own business, but when someone on the street is employing a military grade weapon — on a weeknight — I thought it might be time to investigate.

I casually strolled over and saw that Chris, who is always friendly and mild-mannered, did indeed appear to be shooting flames onto his driveway out of a long metal tube attached to a small fuel tank.

“Hello Chris. Is everything all right?” I asked in a friendly tone, making sure to stand just beyond the shooting flames.

“Yes,” he said. “Nice evening, eh?” “Indeed,” I coughed. “I could not help but notice that you have a flame thrower going. May I ask what you are doing?”

Call me cautious, but I thought it best to be exceedingly polite when talking to a man holding any kind of fire-hurling device.

“Oh, this,” he said, pointing to the propane tank and metal tube. “I’m just killing weeds that pop up between my paving stones.”

“Of course,” I said. “How silly of me. A weed flame thrower. Naturally.”

“I just got sick of sitting here picking them. This is a lot faster,” he explained.

“And a lot more fun,” I said. Now, you may call me a backwardthinking, stereotyping, old fool, but it struck me that only a guy would even think of:

Designing and building a propanefuelled blowtorch to get rid of common weeds.

Buying such a device and using it. It’s hard for me to imagine my wife, so that’s why it’s good that she is constantly around. No, I mean, it’s hard for me to imagine my wife, for example, saying, “Paul, I noticed some weeds in the garden. I’m just popping out to the Army Surplus Store to get a flame thrower. Be back in two shakes.”

Only a guy would decide that it’s a good idea to incinerate errant vegetation. I wish I could plead innocent in this regard, but I too have been battling small, persistent weeds that sprout in my front walkway. Now, I am not much of a stickler for gardening and general home maintenance, but it is nice to have a walkway that is not knee-deep in weeds. I tried gently spraying them with a mixture of water and vinegar and the only thing I got was a front walk that smelled like a Greek salad.

So, I tried sitting and yanking them out individually with a putty knife and five hours later I had a half-done walkway and heat stroke.

Frustrated, I got mad and decided some heavy artillery was needed so I acquired a battery-powered “weed whacker.” I don’t know what they are really called, but leave it to a guy to devise and name a machine that “whacks” the hell out of weeds. Now, I happily walk around my property with this whirring device of destruction that doesn’t pull weeds out or cut them down, it obliterates them, literally pulverizing them into a fine green mist. The pleasure is enhanced because the machine also sounds like a chainsaw, if a chainsaw inhaled helium. The overall effect is quite impressively loud and destructive. Guys love it.

You can say the same thing about leaf blowers. Imagine the problem: You have some leaves on your lawn. Mmm, what to do? Only a guy would decide that what you need is a strapon gas powered air cannon to do the job. Why gently rake leaves when you can blast them into a pile in only a matter of hours using a device that sounds like a 747 taking off ?

Perhaps my theory is crazy, but when’s the last time you saw a woman in a nice suburban neighbourhood operating a leaf blower? I rest my case.

So if you are driving around one quiet summer evening and notice a guy shooting blasts of blue flames across his front driveway, don’t panic.

It’s just me doing yard work.