Moving forward with love life after traumatic loss
Camp F.A.C.E.S. provides support for children and families of emergency services workers in Canada who have suffered the tragic loss of those loved ones.
One way the organization does this is by offering family members an opportunity to spend time with others who have experienced similar losses. I met with surviving partners with children at a recent retreat to talk about returning to an intimate life after such a loss. This is the first in a three-part series focusing on their questions.
Q: It’s been a few years now since I lost my partner to suicide. He had PTSD and I didn’t know the severity. I want to start dating, but don’t know at which point to disclose that my partner committed suicide. I am also concerned about my children’s readiness for me to date and how this will be received by my inlaws. How do I handle all this?
A: You are raising complex issues that are common in the aftermath and recovery from such a loss.
Societally, suicide still carries some stigma and there can be concern that it casts a negative reflection on the deceased, as well as their partner, by association. However, when we begin to appreciate the weight of PTSD on a sufferer and the lack of societal support to fully and openly address it, their pain becomes more understandable. This stigma is an artifact of society and points to the ongoing work we must do to address these issues in mental health.
Once you’ve come to terms with the loss of your loved one and are ready to move forward, your doing so may trigger or intensify the sense of loss for your partner’s extended kin. Each step in a recovery process may create new issues to be addressed.
A child’s age can be a factor in their readiness to accept your dating. Some kids will welcome a new person in the role as parent to supplant the sense of loss while others may feel they are betraying the parent they lost by expressing affection for your new partner.
The real answer, though, lies less in the reactions of others and more in your ability to address your own feelings of shame, embarrassment, guilt and/or betrayal. As you come to integrate your experience into your life and are less vulnerable to those feelings, you will find it easier for others to support you and be more accepting of your decision to start dating. This is not to say that open discussion about your feelings and those of others won’t be necessary, but that you will be in a better place if you work on those feelings beforehand.
For more information about Camp F.A.C.E.S. or to provide your support, go to: www.campfaces.org