Love after traumatic loss: cohabitation agreements

Camp F.A.C.E.S. provides support for children and families of emergency services workers in Canada who have suffered the tragic loss of those loved ones.

The organization offers family members the opportunity to spend time with others who have experienced similar losses. I met with a group of surviving partners with children at a recent retreat to talk about returning to dating and intimacy. This is the third in a three-part series focusing on their questions.

Q: I have so many issues when I think about dating and a new partner. I loved my husband and don’t want a new partner to feel jealous. At the same time, I am financially independent and I wonder about a cohabitation agreement and if that would be acceptable to a new partner. How do I handle these things?

A: There can be some stark differences in connecting with a new partner, depending on how the relationship with a prior partner ended. If it was by separation/divorce, there is usually little to no concern about carrying a torch for the former partner. However, if the partner passed away, the relationship may have been quite loving and caring or, even if there was conflict, it was still intact. As a result, the survivor may still carry fond or loving feelings. This can cause jealousy in a new partner.

We are the sum of all our experiences and relationships. To think we can simply cut off feelings is not only untrue, it’s disrespectful to your own history and your former partner.

Dating provides the opportunity to determine compatibility. In circumstances such as losing a loved one who was a first responder through work related death, we would hope that a new potential partner is able to integrate your experiences into their life. But if you become concerned about their jealousy, you may need to talk this through before deciding if this person is a suitable intimate partner.

Depending on your stage of life, you may also have your own assets and income and it is reasonable to want to protect yourself. So it’s advisable to consider a cohabitation or pre-nuptial agreement. Consider talking to a lawyer with training in Collaborative Family Law. This better equips them to seek reasonable agreements that are attuned to everyone’s interests.

You are who you are. As you come to accept yourself and your needs, you will likely find it easier to assert yourself in the context of a new relationship and determine whether a potential new partner is a good fit. And it’s OK to take your time.