Help for a narcissistic partner

Q: I know you have answered questions about narcissists before, but I still haven’t figured out how to get my narcissistic husband to change. Just how do I do that?

A: The short answer is, you don’t. And you are asking the wrong question.

A better question is, “how do I disengage from a narcissistic partner and take care of myself ?”

Narcissists do not perceive themselves as having a problem. Any problem that a narcissist complains of has to do with others not doing their bidding, not following their demands, not meeting their needs. As such, relationships with a narcissist are inherently one-sided. If the narcissist appears to be giving, it is typically not from a place of generosity or caring, but as a strategy to guilt the other person into giving back according to their needs and wants. Because of this point of view, narcissists are neither motivated nor interested in changing anything about themselves. They see themselves as being fine.

Rather than focusing on changing the narcissist, if you can figure out what keeps you connected and how to disengage, you may find yourself free from the pulls that create the sense you are responsible for their wellbeing. The challenge is learning to take care of yourself. As you develop personal boundaries, the narcissist is left to tend to their own needs. Be forewarned, though, relationships with true narcissists are draining and they can turn nasty when they feel they are losing their grip on you.

Consider speaking with a counsellor experienced in supporting people who are managing a narcissist in their life. Real change starts with learning the skills to cope.

Have a parenting or relationship question? Send a brief email to question@yoursocialworker.com Due to the volume of mail, not all questions will receive a reply. Special to The Hamilton Spectator