‘Your hair looks ridiculous’: reader
The seeds of civility are planted, but the soil they must rely on remains rocky
A lesbian, a Catholic and a Liberal walk into a coffee shop. Sounds like the start of a good joke but it’s really just one way of describing me — not quite the holy trinity but three in one nonetheless.
It’s hard to tell these days which one of those three identities will garner me the most negativity or outright hatred. A couple of weeks ago it was the lesbian portion. After a column about cursive handwriting in which I noted it was my wedding anniversary in the last sentence without any hoopla, I received a little feedback from someone I’ll call “Trudy,” because that’s how she signed her email.
Trudy did not write to wish me a happy anniversary despite tricking me into thinking she was by putting “Happy Anniversary ????? ,” in the subject line. Perhaps I should have clued into the five question marks as a sign of uncertainty. Trudy started her correspondence by saying, “I am so tired of all the gay hoopla being forced upon us.”
Despite her clear displeasure with me, Trudy must be a regular reader because another note I have from her is dated 2015 when she wrote to tell me I should “stop trying to look like a man,” and “your hair looks ridiculous.”
This time, she was more concerned about the difficulty she was experiencing while trying to find an anniversary card for her son and daughter-in-law.
“I was astounded by how many choices there were for gay couples — for bride and bride and groom and groom, and only one card for a normal marriage … I don’t care what society dictates, it is wrong and NOT normal. I pray that God sets this right eventually.”
In the end, she also offers to pray for me and says, “Don’t get me wrong because as I see it — HATE the sin, but LOVE the sinner.” That softens the blow now, doesn’t it?
So, when I read in the paper last week that Ontario’s former premier, Kathleen Wynne, was coming to town, it made me nervous. She was invited by the Hamilton Community Foundation for a conversation on civility and kindness after the screening of, “Won’t You Be My Neighbor,” [sic] a documentary on Mr. Fred Rogers. I was worried people might attend the event in order to express their political views in a way that wasn’t civil or kind. I’ve had that experience as a guest speaker at a local service club presenting alongside a participant of the soon-to-begone Basic Income Pilot. I’ve heard it in Fortinos and from the voices of men driving by in their cars. People are not afraid to express their disdain of me as a lesbian or a former Liberal candidate so what would Kathleen Wynne have to endure?
Thankfully, people who asked questions after the brilliant interview by the cardigan-coated, Terry Cooke, found ways to express themselves that allowed for more conversation, not less; the kind of conversation that, while not always in agreement, could be sustained and have people walking away with more respect for each other, not less.
That’s the kind of conversation the executive director of Toronto Pride, Olivia Nuamah, is trying to lead when it comes to the LGBTQ+ communities in that city and their conversations with Toronto Police Services.
During the Pride Parade in 2016, Black Lives Matter made a crucial statement about the lack of inclusion of LGBTQ+ people in all of their intersections by Toronto Pride. That resulted in many leadership changes of key queer and trans organizations and a demand that Toronto Police Services be forbidden to participate in future Pride parades while in uniform. While that was adhered to last year, Nuamah announced this week, alongside Chief Mark Saunders and Mayor John Tory, Toronto police would be welcome to apply to march again.
“For many members of our communities, this decision will feel premature; we may not all see the same signs of a mending relationship. Indeed, some of the change is subtle and some just getting underway. We are heartened that the seeds are being planted, but we acknowledge and respect those who will find this decision a difficult one.”
Some feedback is making it clear already the “signs of a mending relationship,” are still invisible to many in Toronto’s LGBTQ+ communities when it comes to the police. Yet, the way forward has been chosen with Nuamah acknowledging with respect, “those who will find this decision a difficult one.”
May this seed planting take root in a ground laden with civility and kindness and not be weighed down in the weeds of disagreement and difference.