Should you be allowed to pick whatever age you want to be? No
You’ve no doubt heard about the Dutch dude who wants to legally change his age. He’s 69, but he believes the courts are his personal time machine and can take him back 20 years.
People have been lying about their age — and everything else — forever. In his online dating profile, I’m certain Adam wrote that he was six-foot-two and loved motorcycles and sailing, and Eve said she was 120 pounds and loved art galleries and farmers’ markets.
Emile Ratelband looks like a mildly attractive older man. He does not look 49, though he says his doctor says he has the body of a 49-year-old. I hope he doesn’t, because now I’m having images of a 49-year-old body in a trunk somewhere in his house.
He wants to change his age — legally — so he can post on Tinder and get more dates. He says if he posts his true age, he gets no action. I think it’s darling that somebody wants to tell the truth on a dating site; I also think it’s stupid because all he has to do is say he’s rich, generous and has a year to live and he’ll be knee-deep in women. He actually has plans to live till 94, though I’m uncertain if that’s before or after the birthday juggling.
“When I’m on Tinder and it says I’m 69, I don’t get an answer. When I’m 49, with the face I have, I will be in a luxurious position ... If I’m 49, then I can buy a new house, drive a different car. I can take up more work,” Ratelband says.
I don’t think he knows how buying things works. Buddy, you can do any of those things. You don’t need a new number on your birth certificate, you need one on your bank account.
He’s a self-described “positivity guru,” which to me just sounds like a really annoying person, regardless of age. If I wanted to be happy all the time, I’d dump wine on my Shreddies in the morning and replace my stairs with an airplane evacuation slide.
I don’t think Ratelband has thought this through. If I declared myself 20 years younger, I couldn’t just seamlessly incorporate myself into the actuallyyoungers.
Has he considered how high the creep factor is? He is arguing that everybody gets to change anything they want these days, but changing your age is like changing your height. Some things are a done deal, though as my age goes up, my height goes down.
It’s said age is just a number, but that is nonsense. Age is the music you grew up with and somehow know all the words to.
It’s whether or not you wore velour, unironically. It’s if you identify more with Carol Burnett or Cookie Monster.
The ultimate test for Mr. Ratelband will be the same one we all face. I may wake up every day thinking I’m 18, but my back is stiff as a surfboard and my knees snap and pop like loose shutters in a strong wind. There are days my heart may soar with the hope of something youth-like, but my cells are bent under the weight of knowing exactly how long they’ve been on this planet.
The upside for Ratelband is all this publicity will no doubt land him a date or 10. But something tells me if he hasn’t been able to find a perfectly lovely woman in his own age bracket, the problem isn’t his age.
Most women are willing to overlook a lot of things, but being an idiot isn’t one of them.
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Struggling with loss for the upcoming holidays? Let’s talk about it. Join me at the Art Gallery of Burlington for an interactive afternoon hosted by Smith’s Funeral Home. Sunday, Dec. 2 from 2:30 to 4:30 p.m. Call 905-632-3333 to register; all are welcome but seating is limited.