It’s about creating dialogue, not lectures

Q: How do I get my teen to listen? He is arguing with me constantly.

A: That is an age-old question. Start by modelling the behaviour you’d like to see in him. That means your teen must experience you as listening, but it doesn’t mean you have to agree with anything said.

Very often, we anticipate the other’s response and wind up cutting them off to respond to what we believe they are going to say. So rather than intervening when your teen is talking, let them finish. Then, instead of offering a counter view immediately, ask questions for clarification.

Your questions should be framed to make the teen think a little: How would that work? What are the benefits of what you are suggesting? How about the risks? Could anything bad happen? Have you considered …? Are you aware of my concerns? Given my concerns, what can you do to address them?

The goal is to open up a dialogue through which parent and teen may come to better understand the other’s concerns and arrive at an outcome both can live with.

In the end, I respect the idea of your house, your rules. However, few of us, teens and adults alike, enjoy it when rules are imposed, particularly if we think them unfair. Dialogue, curiosity and sharing concerns may create the conditions for your teen to better hear what you have to say, particularly after you’ve heard what they have to say. Dialogue tends to go farther than lectures and demands, and it creates the structure for listening.

Have a parenting or relationship question? Send it in a brief email to question@yoursocialworker.com Due to the volume of mail, not all questions will receive a reply.

Special to The Hamilton Spectator