The joys of the great unwashed

Given the plastics crisis, do we really need all those bathroom products?

I’ll be honest with you: for a few years now, I’ve been trying to find a way to build an entire column around a single idea: DON’T EVER WASH YOUR KIDS’ HAIR.

But I had a feeling that my editor might not appreciate a six-word column; much as he enjoys it when I actually manage to come in under my word limit, submitting six words would be taking things too far (or not far enough, ha ha).

DON’T EVER WASH YOUR KIDS’ HAIR.

It could be that my six-word column is actually well overdue, given our plastic crisis. Consider: how many bottles of shampoo and conditioner have you used in your life thus far? How many more will you use?

I didn’t intend to never wash my kids’ hair — it’s not something I’d researched or made a conscious decision about. I did, however, know that there were nasty chemicals in most shampoos, and to be frank, my babies were never strong in the hair-growing department. They were mostly bald until they turned two, so shelling out for the expensive, all-natural eco-shampoo seemed like a waste. So I just put them in a warm bath and soaked their thin little wisps of blond and that was that.

Time plays tricks on you when it comes to your children: before you know it, the wisps have turned into thick pelts, and you never stopped to think about changing the routine. And by then, the evidence is staring you in the face: your kids don’t need to wash their hair.

And yet we walk among you, unnoticed!

Here are my unscientific imaginings on the subject: we’re all born with scalps that know the deal — scalps that put out just enough oily stuff to repel dirt and keep everything shiny. When we shampoo our hair, we strip it of that oily stuff, and the scalp freaks out, because it no

longer knows the deal: it produces more oil to compensate for the sudden lack of oil, and the hair gets oily, so we need to shampoo again. And without our scalp’s natural oil, everything gets dry and we need conditioner! And you’re trapped in the cycle.

I’ve cut way back on washing my hair, but a full stop? After two weeks I can do an excellent impression of a bog person.

But my kids? Oh, my kids. They have perfect hair. Never too oily, never too dry. It shines. It flows. They will never in their lives waste their money on shampoo or conditioner.

And I have five kids, so that’s a lot of chemicals not going down the drain and into our waterways. That’s a lot of plastic not being produced, packaged, shipped, or tossed.

Thanks to the Great Hair Experiment, I’ve also gotten rid of deodorant and all its plastic packaging. You can make an excellent homemade putty out of coconut oil and baking soda that does the job very well. It’s probably not practical for the extremely hairy armpit, but really, the benefits are such that some men might be convinced to give themselves a bit of a pit trim.

We’ve given up soap in general, except for handwashing and the odd dirty bit. I haven’t washed my face in a decade, at least — warm water and a face cloth do the job much better than any cleanser ever did. My moisturizer is the same giant tub of coconut oil I use for the deodorant and cooking.

Of course, there’s less need for moisturizer when you’re not stripping your skin of its own moisture.

I tend to get really low when I think about, you know, the fate of humanity and stuff. Is there anything more sobering than watching giant islands of plastic drifting in the oceans, choking turtles and drowning whales?

But, if I squint really hard, I can just barely make out a time of incredible opportunity, and it’s exciting. It’s exciting to look at a bathroom full of packaged crap and say, “I don’t need any of this stuff !” It’s freeing to reject the sales pitches and the fearmongering about a human body that always needs altering and improving. It’s empowering to look at an ingredient list and know that “parfum” and “fragrance” are really code words for an undisclosed cocktail of stuff that can include carcinogens and endocrine disrupters. It’s empowering to know that 64 per cent of what you put on your skin gets absorbed into your bloodstream. Goodbye to perfume! To body wash! To sprays and powders!

But first and foremost: DON’T EVER WASH YOUR KIDS’ HAIR.

There. I’ve said it.

L. HUNTER Two members of the Hunter clan: Latham Hunter writes that she has eschewed the use of shampoo for her kids, and all is just fine, thanks.