I’m concerned about my daughter’s cellphone use

Q: My daughter is 13. We gave her a cellphone this year, partly because she walks to and from school, and partly because all of her friends already had one.

We insisted on all the parental restrictions along with those of her school — e.g., no phones in the classroom — and I told her from the start that I’d be checking her texts, etc.

She’s a good kid, does well in school and is involved in girls’ hockey.

But every time there’s a problem with the phone, it involves one particular girl her age who appears to be phone obsessed.

She texts constantly, repeatedly, until she gets an answer. She mostly keeps bad-mouthing another girl they know, insisting that my daughter agrees.

She winds up my daughter until, after five expletives about how terrible this other girl is, my daughter has occasionally agreed and repeated the slur.

I’m shocked and worried about how these exchanges are affecting my child.

Do I take away her phone for good (I’ve removed it for brief periods whenever she broke my no-phone-at-dinner or during homework-time rules)? Worried Mom

A: You’re not alone. Teaching — and modelling — responsible use of devices, including smartphones, is essential among today’s parental duties.

Especially so since cyberbullying (whether using phones or the internet) is shockingly common and can severely harm its victims.

Explain to your daughter that online bad-mouthing is the first step to cyberbullying.

If the original sender forwards the chain of texts between the two of them, your child stands guilty alongside her.

If the expletives and bullying are seen by a teacher (in case your daughter’s phone is confiscated due to texting in school), it could lead to suspension or worse.

As one expert said, giving a child a phone is handing over the ability to enter the adult world, with its punishments and dangers as well as its technologies.

That’s why some experts advise starting with age-appropriate limits, such as being able to text only parents or certain approved friends, using pre-approved apps and having limited or no access to the internet.

Your daughter needs to be told to block that girl from her phone.

Also, given that she’s already participated in what could become more public victim-shaming, you should alert the parents of the originator to their daughter’s bullying, in order to end it.

If that sounds extreme, consider this: in London, England, a rehab clinic specialist, Mandy Saligari, has said that screen time is too often overlooked as a potential vehicle for addiction in young people.

Some important parental rules suggested by child/teen specialists when giving a child their own phone:

1) Say clearly beforehand that you’ll be monitoring texts, apps, social media, web searches and sites visited.

2) Tell your kids not to write, post or share anything that they wouldn’t mind you seeing.

3) Take away cellphones and internet access for a specific time for violating rules or when you’re concerned about people, groups or material being accessed.

4) Say that you won’t take away their phones or accounts for telling you about cyberbullying or inappropriate content sent by other people.

A top reason for kids not sharing harmful happenings with parents is worry about having their phones/internet taken away.

Ellie’s Tip of the Day

If you give a child a cellphone, you must teach and oversee its responsible use, and take action against any misuse.