I want a second child, my husband wants to party

Q: My husband and I have been together for six years and have one child together. I’d like a second child. It’s very important to me as I’m an only child — it gets lonely.

My husband prefers to party with his friends a lot and neglects his responsibilities as a father and husband. We are lower on his priority list.

I’ll also find pictures of him on social media. I don’t think he cheats, but he definitely loves the attention.

Our married life revolves around him. It’s all about his career, his dreams. I feel completely neglected and left with our baby alone.

I feel like my husband just doesn’t want to grow up and leave his adolescent years behind. But I’m torn, because having multiple children is very important to me. What should I do? He Won’t Grow Up

A: You’re letting your feelings from childhood have too much sway on a decision you must make from adult logic and responsibility.

Having a second baby with a man who neglects both you and the child you already have doesn’t make sense. Instead, it would deepen the loneliness that now exists in your adult life.

You need to talk directly to your husband in order to decide your future and that of your family.

Detail for him just how much time he spends away from the baby and you, leaving you alone in this marriage.

Tell him what you want from him instead, and ask him if he can see himself being more attentive and responsible as both husband and father, or not.

His answer is important for you to decide if it’s the marriage you still want or just that second child.

Being left alone with two children is not more satisfying than with only one.

Q: I’m 19, in love with a guy whom my family hates. Even my speaking his name upsets them.

They’re also over-controlling, so I want to go live with my dad (my parents are divorced). However, if I go there so I can be free and be with my boyfriend freely, my mother says I can forget about her side of the family because she’ll want nothing to do with me.

I’ve asked my cousins and friends what they think because they know my living conditions (helping around the house and always taking care of my siblings more than my mother does).

I can’t even study or do what I please because I need to help my mother.

My heart says to go to my dad’s but something keeps me here. I guess it’s my fear of losing my family. Hard Choice

A: Your heart isn’t one-sided — it’s attached to your family and cousins, your siblings whom you look after, as well as this boyfriend.

You believe that moving to your father means total freedom in your relationship with your boyfriend … but is that responsible parenting or just not paying attention?

Being “in love” at 19 is a thrill, so it’s natural that you want to be with him 24-7. Yet, what is it that your mom and family dislike so much about him? You haven’t said, but it’s something you should be weighing in your decision.

You may eventually move to your father’s. In the meantime, take some time to think through current realities, e.g., whether your mother (even if imperfect) is trying to protect you from getting too deeply involved too soon, and whether you’re ready to break away from your siblings and closest relatives. Ellie’s tip of the day Don’t rush to have another child with the father who won’t grow up.