How to help teens navigate online dating
Help them be aware of the risks, as well as manage expectations
If you have teen who is starting to experiment with online dating and you have concerns — safety, rejection, screen captures being shared, catfishing — I’ve got a metaphorical life vest to help keep you afloat.
Before they jump in, there are a handful of things to keep in mind and be aware of.
Jake Ernst is a social worker and psychotherapist at Straight Up Health, a mental health and wellness clinic that specializes in adolescents and teens in Toronto. He tells the Star that being physically distant can make it hard to connect with others from a social or emotional perspective, and can also bring about feelings of loneliness. It’s these feelings that make us more inclined to pursue new romantic relationships.
He suggests talking to your teen about what they are trying to achieve with online dating. “The key is to determine where the pull towards finding a new partner is coming from. Is it a genuine need to be connected to another person or does it come from a need to quickly fill an emotional void?” asks Ernst. “Staying emotionally connected to others helps us feel better. We should lean into all forms of safe, emotional connection during this time because it will help us stay emotionally healthy.”
You must be 18 or over to use Tinder, and TikTok announced recently that it will be disabling users under the age of 16 from sending and receiving DMs (direct messages) beginning Thursday, as part of its new “Family Pairing” safety initiative.
Ernst says that apps have age restrictions for a reason but, despite this, many young people who are not old enough use apps as an opportunity for explorative and connective purposes.
“I suggest that young people choose the apps they use wisely. Some apps are specifically geared toward obtaining inthe-moment sexual partners, some help others find longterm partners, and some are geared toward friendship-making. I suggest that young people follow the age guidelines associated with each dating app,” Ernst said.
Isolation might also mean we have more private and alone time. Navigating new relationships alone can make it more challenging for young people to determine the extent to which a relationship is genuine and even safe.
“When we’re navigating new relationships in person, we rely on certain social and behavioural indicators to help us determine our own comfort-level and sense of safety. Some of these indicators do not exist in the virtual sphere which challenges our ability to determine and decipher if these relationships are genuine and safe,” Ernst said. He advises young people to continue to rely on their existing relationships in their pursuit to create new ones.
Most importantly, your teens should know that everything in the virtual world is permanent and can be screen captured or recorded, so they shouldn’t say or do anything they wouldn’t want to get back to you, and should always be cautious.
Georgia Valentyne, 19, is the daughter of Toronto TV host Jennifer Valentyne, and the duo co-host the “Mother Daughter Date” podcast and popular YouTube show. Georgia — who has been with her boyfriend Lucas for over a year — said they were friends for two years before they admitted they had feelings for each other. In a call with the Star she says most of her girlfriends are on Tinder, but most seek familiar faces while swiping away, and they use the app to confirm a potential love interest’s single status.
“Most of my friends are 18 so they’re all kind of on it (Tinder). A lot of my friends really go for people they recognize or they have mutual friends with so they find someone they like. They will find them on Instagram and follow them, like their pictures, and connect the dots,” Georgia said.
Before she started dating Lucas, she’d DM those she was interested in.
“I feel like it’s a compliment to be messaged, so if you’re going to do it, go all the way in,” she said. “Act like you’re already comfortable with the person. Before finding Lucas I’d message them as if I already knew them so they became comfortable with me right away to make them feel I was already their friend before they got to know me.”
Her mom, who was also on the call, said that she’s all for teens connecting online, but her concern during quarantine is the same for her daughter’s friends as it is for her own single adult friends: Catfishing, which is when someone pretends to be someone they’re not.
“Are they really who they say they are? Have you FaceTimed them? Can you have a video chat with them and actually have a conversation with them and see their face as opposed to just messaging? If not, that’s a problem,” Jennifer said. “Research a person like you would research a job. If you want to spend some time with this person after quarantine, you have to check them out.”
She says you can tell a lot about a person by looking at their social media. She suggests taking a look at their friends, at their hobbies and really get to know them.
Outside of making sure the person your teen is talking to is real, Ernst says his adolescent clients main concern is about taking a current relationship and turning it into a virtual one and/or moving relationships from a virtual one to an in-person one, after this is all over. His advice is for them to take each relationship one step at a time, keep things focused on the present moment, which keeps them from trying to solve scenarios that haven’t happened yet. This will help to avoid anxious thoughts.
“The goals of online dating and in-person dating still remain the same; the goal is to build a connection. We should be mindful of the ways that connecting with someone virtually might decrease our inhibition or lower the boundaries we have with others,” Ernst said. He says a general rule of thumb is to only ask questions or talk about the things you would feel comfortable asking in person.
Ultimately, in order to rein this all in and keep a potential partnership realistic, teens need to set and manage expectations.
“This means that we should set our expectations about the outcome (it may or may not work out) and the communication (just because we’re social distancing does not mean we have to remain socially and emotionally available). It’s still OK to set boundaries with others,” said Ernst.