Bottom line: I don’t want or need a cellphone

I may be the last person in Ontario to refuse ownership, but I may have no choice

Am I the last person in Ontario to not own a cellphone?

My wife, Gabriella, wants to give me her cellphone. She is very generous by nature but that is not the reason why she offered, even insisted, I take it. You see our son wants again, to buy a new phone and already, I suspect, has too many old ones in his junk drawer at home. So Gabe sees this as a win-win — she gets a newer phone and the last person in Ontario to not own a cellphone has finally succumbed.

The problem is I do not want a cellphone and never have. I tell anyone who will listen that cellphones are for important people. I also have noticed that they are a defective technology because they only work one way; I can cite countless examples as our adult children NEVER answer when we call them. I can only recall a few times when I thought I might have use for one, but thankfully the notion quickly passed.

The first time was when my wife was expecting our second child in 1988 and I was often working out of town. The solution was to rent a pager (you can Google that if you have never heard of the word) and it worked great — it went off, I went home, and everything went fine — thank you.

The year 1991 arrived and again Gabe was very pregnant and I was teaching out of town. It seemed by now that everyone had a cellphone so I simply asked two of the coaches I was teaching if they would give me their numbers for Gabe to use if things got going. Sure enough, she went into labour at about 4 p.m. that day, class ended early, I drove home and again all went well — again thank you again very much.

Please understand we do have a telephone number. It is the same one we have had since bought our small bungalow on the Hamilton Mountain in 1986.

If you call me I promise I will answer because I do not have caller ID, so I never know who is calling. That is also why when I call someone and a live voice says “hello” I always thank them for taking my call. They usually get a kick out of that. If we are not home when you call, don’t worry.

Our answering machine will take your message and we will call you back when we return home. I remember our first answering machine used two of those small cassettes but our “new” GE Digital Messaging System machine doesn’t even have those — amazing! We bought it at a yard sale many years ago for a loonie and it works perfectly.

I want to assure you that we are not living in the 1980s.

We use the new phones that do not have those curly cords connected to the wall.

I must admit it is quite convenient to be able to walk around or even put on the speaker phone and chop up some veggies at the same time. We also have a laptop and Gabe uses an iPad and we use email a lot but people complain often when we email them — they say they would rather we text them so they can ignore us more easily.

So why should I feel obliged to accept the used cellphone that my wife wants to give me just because my son wants the new and improved Apple 14? I think they skipped 13 and went from 12 to 14 for the same reason most highrise buildings don’t have a 13th floor — bad luck.

I don’t want a cellphone; I don’t need a cellphone; I am not an important person. If you want to call me, look us up, were in the book.

They are a defective technology because they only work one way; I can cite countless examples as our adult children NEVER answer when we call them.