Video calls wearing on you? Plan your escape
Seeing our face on screen adds a layer of pressure, even among friends
You’re working away at your computer, or making sourdough, or doing whatever it is that currently has your attention, and the dreaded sound chimes in, alerting you to an incoming video call. You sit there waiting for the call to stop so you can get back to what you’re doing, but you can’t help feeling a pang of guilt.
A notification follows: A message from the caller asking why you’re ignoring them. Deep breath.
The assumption during isolation is that people should be readily available and easily accessible for anyone who calls. Truth is, many of us are busier than ever and are already feeling overwhelmed and video calls take more effort and energy than a simple text, email or phoner.
At this point during isolation, video chat fatigue has been noted, but what is it that makes this format of communication so draining?
Ramona Pringle an associate professor at RTA School of Media and director of the Creative Innovation Studio says there are multiple factors at play. She tells the Star, a huge part of it is how performative it is.
“When we’re in a video chat, most of the time we don’t just see the other person, we also see ourselves, and we can’t help watching ourselves. Am I touching my face? Why am I touching my face so much? Now I can’t stop thinking about touching my face. We don’t think of ourselves as performing when we have a conversation with a colleague in the hallway, but when we can see ourselves on screen, it adds a layer of pressure,” Pringle says.
There’s also a huge learning curve with all of this. “Huge parts of the population have had to learn new software and new interfaces, on top of trying to keep up with work and try and maintain a semblance of status quo. That is exhausting,” says Pringle. “It’s easy to blame this on Zoom, or FaceTime or Skype. It’s easy for a particular piece of software to become a scapegoat for larger problems. The reality is, we’re living through a pandemic and that is anxiety inducing and exhausting in and of itself,” said Pringle.
She’s says we’re in these video calls because we’re social distancing and that reality is in the back of our minds at all times.
Pringle says it’s important to note that you don’t have to have video calls, unless it’s a request for work.
“In fact for many, especially parents and people in caretaking roles, part of what is so exhausting is juggling multiple roles at once. To expect polished professionalism on screen from someone who is home-schooling is unfair and unreasonable. So, let people opt in, for starters. Give them that slack,” Pringle says.
If you have a video meeting for work, that’s another story. Pringle says that the thing about video meetings is that we often schedule them into our digital calendars, and we end up scheduling a day without breaks.
“We’re living on computer time, not human time, and that will lead to burnout. Computers don’t need sleep, they don’t have that natural rhythm, so when we rely on them to schedule our day, understandably, it might not be sustainable,” says Pringle. “We need to be explicit about scheduling breaks, lunch, exercise, and outdoor time.”
Diana Brecher, is a clinical psychologist for the ThriveRU program at Ryerson. She tells the Star in a call that she speculates we’re exhausted with video calls more than any other method of communication because it often demands our undivided attention, particularly when it’s more than two people in a meeting.
“Pre-COVID, when we get together with friends for example, for dinner or drinks, there are opportunities to tune out, check-in with the person next to you but not necessarily with the whole group, take a break, move around etc.,” Brecher says.
In Before Times, she says we didn’t necessarily need human contact to the same extent because we were getting it all day in the course of our normal lives. Video calls require us to be fully present continuously.
“Now we book these get-togethers, as a lifeline. We need and expect too much perhaps. And often they are not as satisfying as we had hoped,” Brecher says.
“Old-fashioned telephone calls are easier in a sense because we only have to be focused on the other person’s words. There is no expectation that we can read body language on an old-fashioned phone call (i.e. no visuals). Whereas in something like FaceTime — we don’t get a break. And we need them,” Brecher says.
Challenges like how to end a call without offending the person who abruptly called you, or how to deal with conflict over a call, makes these sorts of chats — where you can see ones expressions and have to say something to them “face-to-face” — all the more emotionally draining.
“We are all good with setting limits in our everyday life. We just have to bite the bullet and be honest,” Brecher says of dealing with the former.
She suggests saying something like, “Hey it was really great talking with you, looking forward to doing it again next time. Got to go.”
Or if that’s too abrupt, she suggests setting up video call setting an end time.
“The social contract has changed. If you go out for dinner to a restaurant, most restaurants set the reservation schedule for about two hours for each table, so that’s approximately how long you spend with a friend or date,” Brecher says.
“But video calls are an unchartered territory, so set the end time upfront. There’s this clearer expectation that this isn’t going to go on forever,” Brecher says. The other way to call it a day with someone is to speak up. ‘It’s been fun catching up, let’s do it again soon, goodnight.’
“Remember that you can take charge,” Brecher says. “Be honest and clear in a friendship way. It’s a little awkward but the benefits are so great when we can be honest and clear.”
She also says, if endless video calls and interruptions are affecting your sense of well-being, that you can also turn off your devices.
“It is OK to unplug. It is OK to hear birds singsong and not listen to a podcast. It is OK to read a paper book. It is OK to disconnect,” Brecher says.
“Computers don’t need sleep, they don’t have that natural rhythm, so when we rely on them to schedule our day, understandably, it might not be sustainable.” RAMONA PRINGLE RTA SCHOOL OF MEDIA