My husband is dressing like a slob

Is that really so bad? asks Kathryn Hudson

“My husband wears the most raggedy sweats and old T-shirts all the time and, I have to say, it’s driving me crazy. I don’t want to nag him anymore — he says they’re easy to pull on and doesn’t get what bothers me — but I can’t look at those sweats for one more minute.” — Lauren, Toronto

So the sweats are your sticking point right now? Fair enough. Mine is the collection of glasses that grows on the countertop right above the dishwasher — as if there is some sort of magical creature in our home who spends evenings loading the dishwasher. (I guess there is: me.) My husband’s main shelter-in-place-induced relationship grievance — and I’m just guessing here based on the ferocity of the vein that bulges along his temple — is the assortment of fruit stickers I throw thoughtlessly into the sink when I’m washing apples or pears, instead of placing them in the trash like an adult.

Basically, what I’m saying is that if it weren’t his sweatpant habit driving you crazy after nearly a year of being cooped up together, it would be something else. And accepting the fact that the painful, stressful era we’ve survived has, at the very least, frayed our nerves might help diffuse some of the anger or frustration you’re directing his way. Then maybe you can constructively solve the issue.

“Couples are often pretty aware of what is missing in their communication and yet it continues to go missing anyway because the things we’re not talking about are the hardest parts of ourselves,” said couples’ therapist and author Kaleigh Trace when I talked to her some months back to get her counsel for another edition of this column. I have thought about that advice often since then. In even the strongest of marriages, we tend to sidestep the difficult conversations that make us feel vulnerable and instead opt for some unproductive combination of nagging, sighing and fighting about what to order for dinner.

I texted my mom to wish her and my dad a happy 42nd wedding anniversary and asked what their secret was, since theirs is still a genuinely joyful union. “Don’t nag each other too much and enjoy the good,” she texted back.

So take a deep breath and take a moment to focus on the good. Is he swaddling himself in old sweats as a way of comforting himself and easing his nerves? If so, is it so bad that he’s taking advantage of one of the only upsides of holing up at home: being able to banish zipper-flys for a while? “We perform confidence a lot in our daily lives, but ideally, in our most intimate relationships like those with our partners, we can let that performance go,” said Trace. So maybe the upside to this situation is realizing that he feels comfortable — both in sweats and around you.

Then ask yourself a few questions as well: Why do you even care what he’s wearing around the house? While you have every right to expect him to dress for the occasion if he’s escorting you to a work event at which you’re networking for a promotion, that’s likely not going to be an issue for a while. A long while.

“We, as humans, compare ourselves to other people all the time and that happens in relationships — especially when we’re self-isolating together,” said Trace. But that doesn’t mean that you should conflate yourself with him. You’re separate people: You can’t actually decide what he puts on in the morning or, say, how he copes with stress.

You can, however, decide how you react to frustration. My suggestion? Listen to him; like really listen. He said that throwing on the same sweats is easy. He’s right. So try to change the pants but not the motivation by suggesting a uniform approach to dressing that takes all the effort out of getting ready.

I casually proposed that approach to my husband a few years ago, since he cares much more about convenience than clothes. He went for it without hesitation: he now has about 10 of the same style of classic, timeless T-shirt and a handful of pairs of the same model of comfy, goes-with-everything jeans. Every morning, he pulls on a clean iteration of the same outfit. The end. If he has a meeting or a wedding or a funeral to attend, he’ll opt for a suit. But that’s it: that’s the range. He may never win a best-dressed award, but he always looks tidy and he’s never stressed.

Even though it was my idea, I’m still startled by how streamlined and easy it’s made his mornings. The key, as with almost everything, is to suggest the approach as one that will make his life better, happier, easier, more stylish — not as a dictatorial fix to his negative, maddening behaviour. After all, when you come from a place of love, the rest comes easier.

And on the subject of love in the midst of our stressful times, it pains me to say that this will be my last edition of this column that I have loved so much. I will be turning my attention toward new professional adventures and you will be hearing a fresh voice in this space in future issues.

Reading through your questions has been a ray of light during this dark year and an oft-needed reminder that we truly are all together in this mess called life. Over the years, I’ve learned a staggering amount from the experts we’ve tapped for their expertise — and from you: not the least of which is that communing over dry skin woes or brittle hair is as therapeutic as anything else. Truth be told, hearing from those who have been helped by the advice shared here has been my salvation on many tough days.

So while this year will bring a lot of changes in both the world at large and in this small corner of it, one thing stays the same: this is a place where you’ll always be heard and where there will always be someone ready to offer a little help.