IN HER OWN WORDS
Kelly Knuckle was a wonderful writer, as those who know her Facebook postings all realize. Here are final thoughts she asked her husband Brad to share with a small group of her loved ones, gathered at distance and with masks, for a special service late last year, after she died.
“I’m so sorry. This is nobody’s fault ... The past three years have been absolute hell, believe me.”
“I wish I could thank you all individually and personally for your love and support but this flaw in our system prevents it ... I would have loved nothing more than to sit with every one of you, hug and hold hands cry and laugh about the love we held for each other and acknowledge the gifts you’ve each given me.”
“I’ve been incredibly, unimaginably gifted with an amazing life until recently. It is so important to distinguish the difference between me giving up what truly has been my beautiful life with all of you from the reality of my intent, which is to spare us from the horrible degradation and ugly erosion of myself and the pitiful neediness, unstoppable fear and hate in who I am becoming. This is headed nowhere positive and every day that I am here just amplifies the pain for those to whom I am closest and whom I want to protect from all of this more than anything.”
“I have watched people live
dignified, joyous elongated lives who should have been held on to still and kept longer but I’ve also witnessed people taken away in damaged pieces who should have been afforded, offered and bathed in the benefits of euthanasia, surrounded by loving support and gentle care, understanding and compassion backed by a medical system and government regulations to give them the peace you and I are robbed of now.”
“Please be very clear, this is not depression or mental illness taking me over or talking through me. To make this assumption is to belittle my experience and ignore my obvious ability to reason and to articulate my reasons. This is pure clear headed conscious reality I’m exerting control over.”
“Please do not second guess this.
You’ve not been living in my mind and my body. You do not know. And if there is a god don’t dare tell me that he or she has any hand in this. I refuse to accept that torturing me has any higher purpose than to bring us here today in this understanding that euthanasia is a better way than this to address what causes untold suffering in the bodies minds and spirits of everyone involved.”
“I am crushed to be doing this to my children whose lives I have always put above my own. Sammy, Joe, Vivi, please know that if I could have saved all of us I would have, but I can only save you. I couldn’t bring myself back when I was alive. I know I am transitioning into someone with whom it is impossible to live and none of us wants to know. Unfortunately I have to take all of me in order to eliminate the worst. I couldn’t save myself and I need to put us all out of the misery of losing me in evaporating, confused, exhausted, angry malfunctioning unthinkable pieces. You all deserve so much better than who I’ve already become.”
“I was so fortunate to have you my whole life. I love you so much. I’m sorry. I’m unbelievably grateful for your support. I absolutely cherish you. I’m so sorry we didn’t have more everything all together. Thank you for everything you’ve done for me across the whole of our lives.”
“Please take care of your cousins (Sam, Joe, Vivi). They’ll never need you more. They won’t know how to ask for help, neither will grandma, so hug them every chance you get. Call, text and show them that you love them. For me, okay?”