LATE LAUGHS
The Late Show With Stephen Colbert
Today [Jan. 3] is the first day of the 118th Congress. Fun fact: before anything can happen in the House, they have to select a speaker — that’s the rules. Kevin McCarthy’s long dreamed of having the job, and when Republicans won control in November, he seemed like a shoo-in. But Kevin McCarthy has one major weakness: his weakness.
There’s more news about the War on Drugs: once again, the drugs are winning. On Thursday [Dec. 29], New York opened its first legal recreational marijuana dispensary. Before this, the only place to get weed in this city was anywhere, from anyone, at any time.
[Kevin] McCarthy was feeling pretty hopeful that progress was being made incrementally toward his victory as he told reporters, “I crawl before I walk, I walk before I run...” Oh, that reminds me of the ancient riddle, “What walks on four legs in the mornings, two legs in the afternoon and is never going to be speaker of the House?” Riddle me this, Oedipus. Anyways, Kevin shook off those first two days of losing three times, came into the chamber today [Jan. 5] with a pep in his step, and lost four more times ... so far.
The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon
Today [Jan. 4], President Biden travelled to Kentucky, where he made a rare joint appearance with Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell. It was actually a very sweet moment when they fell asleep during each other’s speeches.
As of tonight’s [Jan. 5] taping, it’s been three days and nine votes, and we still don’t have a Speaker of the House. Before today’s vote, C-SPAN was like, “We swear this is not a rerun.” Right now, Kevin McCarthy is so embarrassed, he went up to George Santos and said, “Help me create a new identity.”
Today [Jan. 5], Elon Musk tweeted, “Kevin McCarthy should be Speaker.” It makes sense because Kevin McCarthy is a lot like a Tesla. He was on the road to his destination and then suddenly veered off course.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
Prince Harry has a book coming out and he details a story in it about a fight he had with his brother, Prince William. They got in a fight after William insulted Harry’s wife, Meghan Markle. Harry claims William called Meghan “difficult,” “rude” and “abrasive,” which he probably could have saved time and just said “she’s American.” But, he claims William then “grabbed me by the collar, ripping my necklace, and ... knocked me to the floor,” which is crazy. Two brothers who are the result of generations of inbreeding got in a fight? The only surprise to me is that it didn’t happen in Florida.
Late Night With Seth Meyers
Disgraced cryptocurrency exchange founder Sam Bankman-Fried pleaded not guilty yesterday [Jan. 3] in federal court on a series of charges including money laundering, which, from the looks of him, may be the only thing he’s ever laundered.
House Republican Leader Kevin McCarthy failed to secure enough votes to ascend to the speakership today [Jan. 4] after a fifth ballot. Incidentally, a fifth is also what he drank during the vote.
President Biden said yesterday [Jan. 4] that he will travel next week to the southern border for the first time since taking office. When asked if it was dangerous, the Secret Service said, “A little, but we don’t think he’ll actually try to escape.”