Man doesn't want cancer to define him

Dear Amy: I'm a 57-year-old man. I was recently diagnosed with stage 4 prostate cancer.

Living with — not dying of — cancer means a few lifestyle changes and the need to be more aware of things. My cancer is not curable, but it is treatable.

I have a large circle of family, friends, and acquaintances who have been supportive of me during my life.

I have chosen to share my diagnosis with only a few of them.

I hate seeing people I care about being in pain or distressed and knowing the knowledge of my illness will cause this in turn causes me much more pain and distress than the cancer ever will.

These folks would definitely step up and help in whatever way they can.

I know that after I pass and the news of the cancer becomes known, many of my friends will be blaming themselves for not noticing “the signs,” and will feel awful for that as well.

I don't want people to fawn over me and treat me differently, but I feel guilty about keeping this a secret.

Accepting my Diagnosis

Dear Accepting: I'm impressed by your equanimity regarding your diagnosis, but I think you're also getting a little ahead of yourself.

You seem to be focused on anticipating not only your ongoing feelings, but the feelings and reactions of others.

But people are complicated, and feelings (including yours) change through time.

You should anticipate that the news of your diagnosis could leak out, and if so, other people will react across a spectrum. Some will be worried, some helpful, and some people will mean well, but be downright annoying.

I recommend that you connect with other men who have prostate cancer, meeting both in-person (if possible), and virtually.

Your treatment centre will have information about local groups.

Oftentimes it is strangers who can step up with great understanding and pointed advice and support.

The American Cancer Society's cancer survivor network hosts active, informative, and supportive discussion boards for men with prostate cancer. (Check csn. cancer.org.)

In addition to reviewing your treatment options with other men who are going through this, they can communicate about how aspects of your diagnosis and prognosis will affect your life and relationships.