A day in the life... ... Of a cutting edge contemporary bourgeois liberal nihilist academic

Lies, half-truths, and snow day every day, snow day every day!

*grabs keys and etches the word ‘nuance’ on the side of your little souped-up four-wheel drive*

*sips kombucha & gin by the fire and plods toward inevitable mortality*

*surrenders to the disarray of mind as Kanye West’s Famous plays on the turntable*

*picks out one black cashmere turtleneck of many to adorn flesh prison*

*uses the Nietzsche Reader as step tool to reach crystal wine glasses*

*has a friend named Jean-yves Guillaume de La Faune or some variation of that*

*laughs at a joke referencing Lacan made by said friend* *starts barking and running on all fours when the idea of violence in social movements is brought up*

*understands and agrees with Zizek’s critique of Kung Fu Panda*

*throws away gluten-free, sugar-free, dairyfree organic artisanal cupcakes from the bakery owned by twin sisters*

*quotes Arendt and calls for revolution, but is hypercritical of grassroots organizing*

*shudders and curls up in ball when someone mentions identity politics*

*puts fingers in ears and hums God Save the Queen anytime colonialism is mentioned*

*starts barking and running on all fours when the idea of violence in social movements is brought up* *runs a start-up as a social entrepreneur that facilitates the creation of synergy and interconnectedness for nondescript companies who offer a discount on hoverboard rentals and has a ‘self-care productivity-enhancing ballpit of serenity*

*short circuits when discussions about race take place*

*literally explodes when own privilege is pointed out*

*drives a Tesla car with customized license plate and booster seat for son, Eurydice*

*enrols Eurydice in alternative eco-house that runs avant-garde pre-kindergarten programs such as Transcendental Meditation for Tots*

*is an avid follower of soul leader Gwyneth Paltrow* *goes to Beirut to study Arabic; ends up speaking English to the locals*

*goes to foreign country, and criticses their culture while taking advantage of their hospitality*

*thinks we should colonise Mars, and mine the moon*

*thinks emma watson is a great femnist*

*thinks Shailene Woodley did a great job at Standing Rock*

*takes an impromptu escapist trip to Croatia to clear mind and finish paper on the effects of himalayan flower on higher consciousness and interconnectedness*

*exhibits an art show about feminism comprised solely of flowers in vaginas; overcharges for tickets to said show*