HECK’IN HOROSCOPES!

Aquarius (Jan 20 - Feb 18)

The alignment of the planets and the stars portends a birthday. Yours, perhaps? Congratulations, it’s been 365 days since the last one.

Taurus (Apr 20 - May 20)

Record some music! Lo-fi is fine! Write bad lyrics! It’s ok! Post it on Soundcloud! But for the love of God, don’t subject other people to it.

Leo (Jul 23 - Aug 22)

Grow up! Grow up! Grow up! Grow up! Grow up! Stop! Talking!

Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 21)

If you meet someone named Kyle…

Pisces (Feb 19 - Mar 20)

Educate yourself about something new. Learn a skill or read a book.

Gemini (May 21 - Jun 20)

You are as beloved as you are cursed. Do what you will with that information.

Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept 22)

Carry around some ketchup packets. You might not end up needing them, but it’s better safe than sorry.

Sagittarius (Nov 22 - Dec 21)

You need to chill the fuck out, my man. I love you but come on. Your vibe is throwing everyone else off.

Aries (Mar 21 - Apr 19)

Cut your hair. It’s time.

Cancer (Jun 21 - Jul 22)

Someone is going to tell you a big lie soon. Watch out for it, but don’t get angry when it happens. They have a valid reason for misleading you.

Libra (Sept 23 - Oct 22)

Time to dismantle the heteropatriarchy! Not only do you have the ability to do so, you have the responsibility. Don’t worry if it takes a while, it’s not an overnight project!

Capricorn (Dec 22 - Jan 19)

Take some time for selfcare. Journal for 30 minutes every day. Take a bubble bath. Piss on a fire hydrant. Cook yourself a healthy meal.