Loss & Grief!

The Miracle - - Women - Shab­nam Khan – Fam­ily Coun­sel­lor For any in­quiries please email at shab­nam@skcoun­selling.ca

Grief is a some­what com­pli­cated and mis­un­der­stood emo­tion. Yet, grief is some­thing that, un­for­tu­nately, we must all ex­pe­ri­ence at some time or other. We will all in­evitably ex­pe­ri­ence loss. Whether it is a loss through death, di­vorce or some other loss, the stages of griev­ing are some­what the same. There are five stages of grief. If we get stuck in one stage or the other, the process of griev­ing is not com­plete, and can­not be com­plete. Thus there will be no heal­ing. A per­son most likely goes through five stages to be well again, to heal. Not ev­ery­one goes through the stages at the same time. It is dif­fer­ent for each per­son. You can­not force a per­son through the stages, they have to go at their own pace, and you may go one step for­ward then take two steps back­ward, but this is all part of the process, and in­di­vid­ual to each per­son. The fol­low­ing five stages must be com­pleted for heal­ing to oc­cur: 1-De­nial-”this can’t be hap­pen­ing to me”, look­ing for the for­mer spouse in fa­mil­iar places, or if it is death, set­ting the ta­ble for the per­son or act­ing as if they are still in liv­ing there. No cry­ing. Not ac­cept­ing or even ac­knowl­edg­ing the loss. 2-Anger-”why me?” feel­ings of want­ing to fight back or get even with spouse of di­vorce, for death, anger at the de­ceased, blam­ing them for leav­ing. 3-Bar­gain­ing-bar­gain­ing of­ten takes place be­fore the loss. At­tempt­ing to make deals with the spouse who is leav­ing, or at­tempt­ing to make deals with God to stop or change the loss. Beg­ging, wish­ing and pray­ing for them to come back. 4-De­pres­sion-over­whelm­ing feel­ings of hope­less­ness, frus­tra­tion, bit­ter­ness, self­pity, mourn­ing loss of per­son as well as the hopes, dreams and plans for the fu­ture. Feel­ing lack of con­trol, feel­ing numb. Per­haps feel­ing sui­ci­dal. 5-Ac­cep­tance-thereh i is a diffff dif­fer­ence b between res­ig­na­tion and ac­cep­tance. You have to ac­cept the loss, not just try to bear it qui­etly. Re­al­iza­tion that it takes two to make or break a mar­riage. Re­al­iza­tion that the per­son is gone (in death) that it is not their fault; they didn’t leave you on pur­pose. (even in cases of sui­cide, of­ten the de­ceased per­son, was not in their right frame of mind) Find­ing the good that can come out of the pain of loss, find­ing com­fort and heal­ing. Our goals turn to­ward per­sonal growth. Stay with fond mem­o­ries of per­son. Get help. You will sur­vive. You will heal, even if you can­not be­lieve that now, just know that it is true. To feel pain af­ter loss is nor­mal. It proves that we are alive, hu­man. But we can’t stop liv­ing. We have to be­come stronger, while not shut­ting off our feel­ings for the hope of one day be­ing healed and find­ing love and/or happiness again. Help­ing oth­ers through some­thing we have ex­pe­ri­enced is a won­der­ful way to fa­cil­i­tate our heal­ing and bring good out of some­thing tragic.

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