Parent seeks way to help daughter stay clear of bully

DEAR ABBY: I’m about to get custody of my daughter after four years so I’m a little out of the parenting etiquette loop. A friend of mine has a daughter, “Autumn,” who is an absolute terror and a bully. The girl has been rude to my daughter during the times she has visited.

I know I won’t be able to avoid social functions because Autumn’s family is always invited to a mutual friend’s events. My daughter wants nothing to do with her and I don’t know how to easily avoid play dates. Please advise. – PERPLEXED IN THE WEST

DEAR PERPLEXED: Talk to Autumn’s parents about her behaviour so it can be corrected. If you are worried about your daughter having to interact with the girl, suggest she socialize with the other children at the event and stay out of Autumn’s way. If the girl acts out against your daughter, tell your child she is welcome to come and spend some time with you.

While you can’t completely insulate her from unpleasant peers, this may lessen the pain.

DEAR ABBY: I could use some advice about family roles. Mine always seems to be the peacekeeper and mediator. Without going into too much detail, my family has some issues and they usually volunteer me to fix the problem. It’s extremely stressful, and I feel guilty when I don’t succeed.

I am a travel nurse and I accepted an assignment across the country to try to step back from it. Some of the drama follows me here, but it’s nothing like when I was home. My guilt continues because I feel like my duty is to be with my family, especially my sister, who is emotionally codependent on me. Any advice to help divide the roles? – OVERWHELMED IN PHOENIX

DEAR OVERWHELMED: Please stop feeling like you did something wrong in taking that assignment. You made the right choice. By doing it, you have gifted your family with the opportunity to learn to deal with its issues without relying exclusively on you. By now it should have dawned on you that you cannot fix your sister’s co-dependency problem. Only she can do that, if she’s willing to recognize she has a problem and accept that a licensed psychotherapist – and not her sister – can provide her with the tools to overcome it.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, Calif., 90069.