Shocking STD disclosure places partner at risk

Dear Amy: I recently found out that my partner of two years has herpes and has transmitted it to me.

I moved into her house about four months ago. While moving some things around in her garage, I inadvertently came across a doctor’s report showing that she had it. When I confronted her with the information, she said she had gotten it 10 years ago from her ex-husband.

She did not tell me (and I did not ask) when our relationship began.

I have incurable leukemia and an infection from a herpes outbreak could kill me. Even when she was told that infections can be medically devastating for me, she still did not tell me about her herpes.

She says she just did not put “two and two” together.

My issue is that since she did not do the right thing by me with the herpes and leukemia situation, I don’t feel that I can trust her to do the right thing in any situation. Can this trust be rebuilt? — TRUSTLESS MAN

Dear Trustless: It seems that your live-in partner had no intention of revealing her herpes status unless/until you became ill.

If you wanted to continue in this relationship, then she would have to come up with a plausible explanation for withholding this from you. “I forgot” is not plausible; “I felt shame and thought you wouldn’t love me if you knew” is somewhat plausible.

After that, you would have to come up with a way to forgive her. If you weren’t able to forgive her for this, you wouldn’t ever be able to trust her.

My reaction is that this rises to an extreme level, and is not only unkind and neglectful, but bordering on criminal — like leaving a loaded weapon on the bureau and then being shocked and surprised when someone gets hurt.

So no, I don’t think she can be trusted. And I’m very sorry this has happened to you.

For trust to be rebuilt she needs to be a full partner, admitting her wrongdoing, asking for forgiveness and offering to answer any and all questions you have. She should also accompany you to a doctor’s appointment so you could both receive reliable medical counseling. A relationship counselor could help you both navigate this very tricky issue.