Son’s outburst alienates grandmother
ASK AMY
My mother is a sensitive, shy person who loves children but sometimes has trouble connecting. In particular, she has trouble connecting with my son, “Oscar.” She only visits every three months, and loses track of what sorts of things he’s into. He’s 10.
We asked Mom to take care of Oscar for three days, and she did.
On the last day she asked him to do some homework. He replied, “You don’t know anything about me, and you don’t know anything about my parents, and I think you should leave me alone.”
She’s making such a big deal out of this comment. I tell her it’s just kid stuff — he never wants to do his homework, and he’ll try to manipulate his way out of it. But she says he’s told her how he really feels, and she plans to “leave him alone” from now on.
I’m upset that he has lost the love and care of a grandmother, even if she’s an awkward one.
I can’t believe she would let one comment get in the way of her relationship with her grandchild. I think she must have a depressive personality.
Is there anything else I could say to her? — BAFFLED AND ANGRY
You don’t mention delivering consequences to — or even discussing this with — your son. Has he acknowledged this, or apologized? You should explain to him that adults are just like children; we get our feelings hurt when people lash out at us.
I agree that your mother could have handled this differently in the moment. Your son was actually issuing a (blunt) invitation for her to say, “Well, if I don’t know you, then maybe you could tell me three things about you so I can know you better. And I know a lot about your parents. In fact, I have a few stories about your mom when she was your age...”
You could smooth this over by telling your mother how disappointed you were with him, and by asking her advice about how she thinks you should handle your son’s outburst.
You should continue to include your mother in your son’s life, by sending her videos, encouraging interaction and continuing to visit with one another in person. The awkwardness should fade, and she should be encouraged to forgive him. As it is, her reaction is no longer in proportion to his behaviour.