Engagement puts strain on in-law relationship

ASK AMY

My boyfriend and I got engaged a few months ago.

It should be the happiest time of my life, but my future mother-in-law is giving me doubts.

She has talked down to me as if I’m a child, even though I own my own home and am succeeding in my career.

She has told us that we cannot afford a wedding, has belittled our relationship and has been unsupportive.

Rude comments such as, “You only get married once... well, hopefully,” have left me in tears time and time again.

I don’t dare be left alone with her anymore, as it usually results in her hurting my feelings severely.

My fiance has seen me sob over her hurtful remarks and has gotten into verbal fights with her over wedding-related issues.

She says she wants to be included, but her attitude is terrible.

Prior to our engagement, I would have called us “friendly.” I understand that to her it feels like I am taking her youngest son from her. But I feel that she is making this situation even worse for herself by being controlling, overbearing and out of line. Help! — STRESSED-OUT BRIDE

The comment, “You only get married once... well, hopefully.” is TRUE. Maybe I’m missing the context that made you cry, but that is basically a true statement.

Your future mother-in-law sounds very cynical about weddings. She should keep her cynicism to herself, and being honest about your own feelings beats blubbering in the corner.

Toughen up like the tough cookie you are, and make a determination not to be exposed to this condescension. If you don’t want her involved in your wedding, then don’t involve her. At all. Discuss only matters that have to do directly with her.

You also need to figure out why your feelings are so tender that you don’t dare be left alone with her. When you learn to respond — firmly and respectfully — she will adjust her attitude, or at least learn that the way she talks to you has consequences.

Note to you: You are not “taking her youngest son from her.” You are marrying him. He is not a piece of property, to be traded or fought over.