Aunt and uncle ponder daughter’s exclusion by niece

ASK AMY

My husband and I have a wonderful daughter and a (also wonderful) niece who grew up very close to one another.

Now our niece has cut off all contact with our daughter, citing “religious beliefs,” because she (our daughter) is gay.

Our daughter has repeatedly tried to communicate with her, to no avail.

Our niece would still like to have a relationship with us, and recently suggested having lunch with my husband and me.

How can I nicely, gently and respectfully tell her we would feel like we were cheating on our daughter, since she is sad that our niece won’t speak to her?

— CONCERNED MOM AND DAD

I think you should use the opportunity to try to influence your niece to rethink her views.

If she won’t, you should let her know that it is hard for you to have a full relationship with someone who is basically rejecting your own daughter. Tell her you’re always there for her and open to a fuller relationship in the future, but that you can’t accept her excluding your daughter. Reject your niece’s premise, without rejecting her.

Don’t tell her that you are completely cutting her out of your life, because then you would be doing the same thing she is doing. Be very clear about the depth of your hurt regarding her actions, and then listen to what she says and observe how she reacts.

One of the joys and burdens of the aunt/uncle relationship is that you can honestly and gently tell your niece the truth about how her behavior affects you and others, without the added complications that arise when this news is delivered by a parent.

My fiance and I are getting married this summer. Well over a year ago, when we got engaged, my fiance and I told my younger sister that she would get a “plus one” to bring to the wedding.

She immediately said she was going to bring her best friend. I cautioned her at the time that she should wait to invite this friend, in case she got a serious boyfriend between then and the wedding.

Fast forward to now. My sister is in a serious relationship, and my parents are pressuring us to allow her to bring both the boyfriend and her best friend.

My parents and fiance already have a somewhat rocky relationship. This might make it worse. Am I wrong for my firm stance that she needs to bring just one person? — UPSET BRIDE TO BE

This “plus one” business is not your or your parents’ problem; it is your sister’s problem.

All the same, there are times when it makes sense to cave (or compromise). If your sister (not your parents) comes to you two with this dilemma, you should talk to her about it. There is a possibility that another guest will not be able to attend; if somebody backs out, you might be able to squeeze in her extra guest.