‘Be who you are’ in LGBTQ social groups
It’s hard to live a lie. And yet, it’s often harder to come out with the truth.
Transgender people often feel they have no choice but to hide their real inside person. They face a decision without choice: to be who they really are and risk harm, or to be safe and keep their real identity a secret, says Kaitlynn Mattatall, a 52-year-old transgender woman.
“Your outside is there to protect you,” she says. “That’s your shell. That’s what protects you from society. It presents you and protects you.
“Trans people are put in a situation where they have to choose one. If you choose to present this is who I really am, you’ve lost your protection. You now become vulnerable.”
And yet, a couple of times every month, they have a place where they can be both who they are, and safe.
SAFTI (pronounced “safety”) — Social Activities for Transgender Individuals — is a social group for people from the trans community and their allies. They get together twice a month, for a meeting and then an activity together. Think coffee and conversation. Maybe a movie night and potluck. A picnic in the park. A bike ride. Or a game of pool at an establishment friendly to people in the LGBTQ community.
One Christmas, they made gender-bread cookies and decorated them in diverse ways.
Their meetings take place in a safe, private location, which Mattatall is hesitant to publicize for safety concerns. They talk, discuss activities and make plans. It’s not therapy, but just being among people who understand, can be therapeutic, she says.
“You can be who you are. You can dress how you want. You can tell people, ‘This is who I am, this is my preferred pronoun.’”
It’s a place to be known by a chosen name.
The group is run by Mattatall’s partner and trans ally, Rachel Barnsdale.
Indeed, across Niagara, there are other social groups for people in the LGBTQ community. Safe places to meet other people and connect in a meaningful way. Places to be yourself.
Recently, PFLAG Niagara, a supportive group for parents, family and friends of lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people held a networking forum to gather information from local, grass-roots groups. PFLAG then compiled a resource guide of support and social groups for Niagara’s sexual and gender diverse community.
When Matthew Rahn ,35, returned to St. Catharines after working in Toronto for five years, he looked around and wondered, “Where is the community?” In Toronto he was part of an active gay community where he even belonged to an LGBTQ vegan dinner group.
Here, he couldn’t find a place to meet friends. So in February he decided to create one himself.
The LGBTQ Dinner Social Group meets once a month for a casual meal and conversation at different restaurants across Niagara. He advertises the dinners on social networking app, Meetup. It’s been so popular, he’s had to cap attendance to 15.
“I don’t know if I want to be at a point where I’m taking over a restaurant,” he says. He was surprised by its popularity.
The dinners are a social gathering for anyone from the LGBTQ community, and allies. The locations are recommended by members, and Rahn always calls ahead to make sure it’s a safe, comfortable place to meet, he says.
Two days after he posted July’s event, it was already half filled up, an indication of its appeal in the community, he says. He’s considering increasing it to twice monthly.
“It’s filling a void,” says Rahn. “People are looking for that social interaction.”
In many ways, the group is a reflection of his own personal journey. His own comfort with himself.
“In Toronto, I was happy to come as a participant and not lead,” he says. “And now I’m comfortable spearheading it.”
Dennis Eveleigh, 58, had the same struggles finding friends. He doesn’t mince words: “In the gay community, it’s easy to find a sexual hookup. To find a place to meet friends is hard.”
A year ago, he advertised on Meetup that he was looking to meet other older gay men who also wanted to make friends. He set a time, day and location at a downtown coffee shop. He’d be the guy in the orange T-shirt, he wrote. And then, he waited.
Three men showed up. One drove an hour to meet him. By the fourth week, there were 30 men. They made new friends and others reconnected with men they hadn’t seen in years, he said.
“Some isolated older guys sit at home, depressed,” he says. “They don’t know anybody.”
And now, every Wednesday night about 50 men gather in the community room at Mahtay Cafe for the St. Catharines Gay Men’s Meetup. (Eveleigh has since dropped the “older” requirement.)
The room is semi-private and there’s space to get up and mingle. Some men travel from across the GTA, even Buffalo, to attend. Perhaps, a sign that there’s either no similar group in their community or they’re still closeted and feel safer separated by geography.
Since last year, about 200 men have come out to the group. Recently, the group celebrated the 80th birthday of one member.
“The guys feel like they can be themselves with each other,” says Eveleigh.
Two years ago, 66-year-old Bill Wade joined the Breakfast Club Social, a group that gets together the third Sunday of each month at a St. Catharines restaurant.
He had come from Toronto where he belonged to a gay church with a congregation every Sunday of about 800.
“When I moved to St. Catharines, I only knew two people,” he says.
Wade joined the gay men’s meetup, and he made friends. “All of a sudden, we were meeting all these gay men,” he says.
The breakfast club began five years ago as an affordable way to socialize and 25 or so people from the LGBTQ community, parents and allies, sit around a table and share in conversation, he said.
“Finally, I think gays are feeling welcome in the community.
“They’re feeling brave enough to come out.”