New year’s resolutions for envious Canadians

The new year’s resolution may culminate in self-loathing, but its origins surely lie in envy. We hate that some people are better than us, so we resolve to be better than them; we fail to become even minimally better versions of ourselves, much less superior versions of anyone else, so we do it all over again the next year.

Canada is good at many things. Many countries are better at many other things, though, and this is annoying. It’s just the sort of irritation that inspires a resolution

Here, then, are things that other countries do well that we should beat them at, or at least mimic poorly. They are not important things, but that’s why they are the perfect new year’s resolutions for us.

• Highways without speed restrictions, Germany: Drivers ought to set their own speed on highways, drivers being adults — and, again, adults being adults. Europe is good at treating adults like adults.

• High-tech toilets, Japan: Control panels allow users to adjust the temperature of the seat and sometimes select music using a button marked “privacy.”

• Teen voters, Scotland: If they vote as students, people may develop the habit of it. Otherwise:

• Mandatory voting, Australia, Brazil, Belgium, Nauru and, er, North Korea: If they are threatened with fines, people may develop the voting habit even more efficiently.

• The right to roam, Scotland, the Nordic countries, the Baltic countries and Austria: As long as we’re not hurting the land or its owner, we should all be allowed to walk through the most beautiful countryside in the world.

• Transaction trays, Japan: Handing over cash at the till feels crass, which is why we should put it on a little tray and pretend we don’t know how it got there.

• Or contactless cards, Hong Kong: Forget cash (annoying) or credit cards (traceable); we ought to have contactless smart cards.

• Or electronic wallets, China, Kenya, Tanzania, Uganda, Zimbabwe, Cote d’Ivoire, and others: If for the convenience of not carrying cash or cards we would sell our souls, or at least our personal data, then every shop should adopt a fully integrated and fully monitored smartphone electronic wallet system. Vendors pay almost nothing and all customers lose is privacy.

• Shared taxis, the Middle East and North Africa: Like Uber Pool, but without the Uber.

• Eat, drink and dance on graves, Spain, Mexico, Georgia, South Korea: The tradition varies around the world, but our version should mimic the best —a public holiday during which we get drunk on hard liquor in cemeteries and pour one out on the graves of dead relatives.

• Omnipresent coffee, Japan: Again with Japan being better. We, too, should be able to buy hot cans of coffee in vending machines on basically every street corner.

• Omnipresent tea, Turkey: Again with other countries doing hot beverages better. We too should serve tea during every business transaction.

• Saunas, Finland: Finland, with an average of one sauna per household, is winning at winter.

• Calligraphy, China: Bring back calligraphy. Or at least handwriting. We should only omit handwriting from curriculums if we hate things that are beautiful and encourage us to choose our words with care.

• Free Wi-Fi, Taiwan, Estonia, and elsewhere: There should be free municipal wireless networks in every Canadian urban centre.

• Free admission, United Kingdom: Another thing that should be free: Admission to most national galleries and museums.

There are abundant opportunities for failure here. Maybe next year we should resolve to stop trying to be Sweden and instead try to be Japan. — Shannon Gormley is an Ottawa Citizen global affairs columnist and freelance journalist.