Does 2+2 equal foreplay?
Q. My wife and I are looking to spice up our sex life. She’d like me to have sex with a man. She wants to have sex with a woman. I’m OK with whatever makes her happy. We have friends (man and wife) who are willing to sleep with us. Is this a good thing? A. You won’t know if it’s a “good” or “bad” thing until after it’s happened — and then it may be too late to wish you hadn’t done it. But this is not a question you ask an advice columnist unless, a) you just wanted to write something provocative or; b) you’re serious about this, but also uncomfortable and worried about potential unforeseen consequences. The encounters could affect your sex life negatively or positively. Your wife may find sex with a woman more satisfying than with you, the same could happen between you and a man; or a foursome could develop, as could attachments to the sex partners. If you and your wife feel you can handle these possibilities, that’s your business, not mine. My advice is this: Talk it through more. Consider other ways to “spice up” sex together before involving other people. When you’re certain enough of what you both want to do without needing approval, you’ll have answered your own question.
Daddy’s little girl no more
Q.
I’m a successful woman in my 30s who was raised by my mom. My parents were divorced when I was young and since then I’ve had a very unfulfilling relationship with my father. He jumps from relationship to relationship and chooses women who are never happy with me as his daughter. His current wife doesn’t like him spending time with me or doing anything for me that a father should. She’s called me horrible names and has even had him take me out of his will. She’s an alcoholic who’s never been able to hold down a job. I’ve spoken to him about my concerns, but he doesn’t really seem to care and our distance is just growing further apart (geo- graphically, too). He doesn’t put much effort into seeing or calling me. I’m doing all of the work just to stay in touch. How much more effort should I put into building a relationship with him, or merely maintaining what we have? Do I owe him? A. You “owe” him nothing tangible. But you still have mixed emotions about him. And you owe yourself peace of mind. Make one last effort to help him see the consequences of his distant behaviour: He accepts his wife’s dislike of you, makes little contact, does even less to see you. Tell him that having a disinterested, uncaring father is worse than having no father. So unless he makes the next effort, you’re done. As for his will, forget it. If there’s some important memento you want, ask for it now before all contact ends. You’ll be lucky if he complies. Meanwhile, talk to a counsellor about what is a loss. Despite the unfulfilling relationship, the natural expectations and hopes of a child are that somehow the absent parent still cares, and one day the connection will be a happy one. As an adult, it’s painful to finally acknowledge that it’s never going to happen. You were lucky that your mother raised you well into a caring daughter, despite your father’s example. Counselling can help with this decision.
Abusers won’t change
Q.
I’m 47 and survived domestic violence as a child. I witnessed my father’s multiple assaults against my mother and was regularly violently assaulted by him. I have complex post-traumatic stress disorder, suffer severe depression, and was never able to thrive as I should have. The damage is permanent — the scars on my mind will never go away. I struggle to live. To all who are domestically abused: Once is enough — it’ll happen again. Leave. The abuser won’t change, you cannot save them, and they do not love you. Possession isn’t love. Hitting isn’t love. There are no excuses anymore. If you cannot do it for you, leave for your childrens’ sakes. The damage never goes away. It lasts a lifetime. Ellie — To leave an abuser: Make a private plan ahead, using an outside (librarybased) computer to find a safe haven (e.g. Abused Women’s shelter). Alert police if an escort away is needed.