You know the answer
Q. I’m 31, married just over a year, and successful in my career of five years. My husband and I have been trying for a baby for almost one year. Three months into trying, my husband got a job offer in the small town where I grew up.
My family and most of our friends live there, yet this move came sooner than expected. We’re over the “big city” life.
I’ve been lucky to keep my job and work from home two days a week, returning to the city three days weekly. It’s now been nine months of that train-commute and time spent away from my husband and family. Still no baby.
I’m strongly considering finding a job within town. But I fear that if I then got pregnant shortly after, my new employer wouldn’t be happy. Legally, I’ll have a job to come back to, but that doesn’t rest my fears as a woman in the workplace. My current job is amazing, with much opportunity to grow and gain more valuable work experience. I’ve crawled up the corporate ladder, one promotion after another. They’re very flexible with most things (less flexible on letting me work from home more).
I’ve been tracking my ovulation for three months and now know my timing exactly. But sometimes we miss our window of opportunity to conceive, due to geography and distance. I’m feeling the stress of my work situation and am committing to being more active (gym, home workouts, walks), and breathing/meditation exercises to help combat the stress.
Do I apply for new jobs within my town, and “come what may” if I accept an offer and get pregnant shortly thereafter? Starting a family is top priority for us right now. I don’t want to put it off. Or, do I stick it out with my current employer now that I know my ovulation patterns and keep trying in hopes of conceiving?
A. “Starting a family is top priority for us.” That would seem to answer your own question, yet you’re muddling the conclusion by trying to nail down every possible pro and con.
You love where you live. Travel to the city is stressful at a time when you most want to be calmer, feeling healthy, hoping you catch your ovulation cycle. While there’s no guarantee that not commuting will change your chances, the stress isn’t helpful.
Also, if your current company wants you in the office more, then even after a future maternity leave, you’ll be faced with a schedule away from your baby, several days weekly.
Go with the priority you and your husband share, so long as it doesn’t mean giving up entirely on your career, which is also important to you. If you can’t find a decent, related job in your town — and if that feels like a major loss — then your stress levels aren’t likely to ease.
I suggest that besides watching your cycle, it’s time to talk to a gynaecologist to discuss if there are any issues regarding conception that need to be addressed. There may not be, and that will reassure you and also relieve some of your built-up anxiety.
Yes, this is a “try this … or then that” answer, but the fact is that there are no absolute assurances for either consideration — i.e. when you’ll definitely get pregnant, or which job situation you now choose will work out best over time.
That’s why it’s best to go with what matters most to you both, at this time.
Feedback: Regarding the woman who’s upset because she knows her husband’s secret — that he had a child when he was a teenager, and gave up his rights to it (Feb. 27): Reader: “This woman shouldn’t raise the issue until her husband does or if that child comes back into their lives.
“If the husband’s decision was painful but carefully thought out for the sake of the child, and he didn’t want to tell her about it, that decision was his and should remain as a skeleton.
“That decision made him the man she married. If he’s a giving and caring man, then why open her personal Pandora’s box to cause a rift in their relationship. Just enjoy the life they have together.
“However, if he tells her about his decision or the child comes back into their lives, then deal with it at that time, but with compassion, not anger.”