Boyfriend crossed a line
Q. I’m 26, female, dating a man, 30, for two years. He’s thoughtful, kind, funny, and intelligent — the most positive and mature person I’ve dated.
Recently, I confided very privately that I believe my longtime best friend may be gay. I’ve since learned that he’d told his co-worker, who openly tried to tease me about it.
I was upset but forgave my boyfriend, who was truly sorry. However, I later discovered he’d revealed family concerns deeply personal to me, to this same co-worker. I’d shared these innermost aspects of who I am early on in our dating, including about significant insecurities I’ve had since childhood.
The co-worker’s response was to “casually” raise these subjects in taunting jokes, completely out of the blue.
I realize that it’s more of a problem with the co-worker than my boyfriend, however I feel betrayed and hurt by all of this. I’m worrying about what else my boyfriend has told him/others, and nervous for our future that’s lacking in trust.
My boyfriend has apologized, saying he never intended anything to be misconstrued as malicious. I feel that he’s continuously given this other person the fuel to mock me behind my back, and it feels awful.
Is this something to work through, or a deal-breaker?
A. It’s not a good signal. Not in keeping with the intelligence you say he has and the kindness with which you credit him.
It’s up to him to prove himself now. He must be clear with this co-worker that he’s crossed a line of trust and friendship. And he needs to retreat from sharing personal information with him.
If you two become seriously attached, there’ll be your personal disagreements, details of intimacy, and other matters up for grabs if loose-lips keep sharing sensitive matters.
To keep his friendship AND you, your boyfriend needs to act smarter and say less.Your trust now depends on his accept- ing this, and you believing him.
Trouble letting go
Q. We’ve been close friends for many years. Then three years ago something happened — she started doing things out of character, including having an affair with a married partner.
That’s her business but it doesn’t mesh with my goals and morals. I was used as an alibi without knowing it.
Ultimately, she left the marriage and restarted her life. I was helpful, supportive, and giving.
But she changed from kind, giving, great Mom to her three kids, to selfish, risky, and borderline negligent. She used me only for babysitting or helping her run her life.
She’s now got several men doing things for her and keeps them at the ready. The affair’s ongoing, despite that he’s verbally and emotionally abusive to her.
She’s relied on alimony, child support, money from others, though she’s able to work. Sometimes she couldn’t make the rent and had to sell her computer. When there was no food, I brought lots of it (but not money).
I’m having trouble letting go of this once fantastic friendship.
A. You’re taking the right steps — creating boundaries (financial) yet staying interested and concerned.
Your long friendship calls for this response, but only to the point you can handle it.
Note: Awareness of ongoing child negligence requires you to report to authorities.
Feedback: Regarding “How to Live with a Slob” (April 28):
Reader: “My husband had very poor habits despite excellent personal hygiene.
“I was angry and negative about this. He wouldn’t contribute to keeping an orderly house, nor agree to hiring cleaning help.
“So, I said I’ll do all the interior cleaning and general tidying-up, but must be paid. We agreed on an amount, put it in writing. It turned out to be win/win/win.
“I got extra money for ‘treat’ shopping, and occasionally hiring a cleaning company for the heavy stuff.
“Our house was organized and tidy. I was much happier, there was less tension, and he didn’t have to do anything.”