It’s time to cut my losses

Q. My boyfriend of more than two years has started changing his appearance and has gone on a health kick.

I thought he was doing it to feel better and, silly me, for me.

I’ve recently found charges for a hotel room and a subscription to a dating site. I’m heartbroken. I thought we had something good together.

I know I need to cut my losses and move on, but I’m feeling vindictive and want to catch him in his lie.

A. Vindictiveness can boomerang back and affect you more than it does him.

First, there’s the planning of the big confrontation … likely talking to your best friend about it, heating up your anger. Then there’s the boldfaced lie and the hurt it causes when he tries to get away with it.

These are unwanted “gifts” from plotting revenge: Ugly scenarios whose memory becomes hard to erase. Vindictiveness becomes obsession and you’re NOT moving on but stuck in sadness. It can create distrust in future relationships, rather than free you to use your experience for assessing the character of potential dates.

You already know that this one’s a cheater. You have evidence. Present it, and then walk away.

Show your support for new mom

Q. I’m trying to be a loving mother-in-law to my dear daughter-in-law who gave birth to our first grandchild three months ago.

The couple moved to an expensive new house and she’s very interested and more talented than me with home decor.

Regarding Father’s Day: For most of my life I fell into bed, exhausted at the end of it, from cooking for, and visiting, two fathers.

Since this couple married five years ago, they’ve entertained us on Saturday and her family on Sunday. How do I minimize entertaining and gift-giving on their part and what sort of gift do you suggest?

Maybe have them to our house (45 minutes away) on Saturday with a home decor gift card? Is that personal and loving enough?

The baby’s sleep patterns have been erratic and my daughter-in-law’s been sleep-challenged. I’ve taken a few dinners over to try and help out a bit, but her family lives 10 minutes away and is also tremendously supportive.

A. Don’t over-worry, try to be natural. The worst move would be to compete with her family and get anxious about what should be simple, practical solutions that show your caring and generosity of spirit.

The idea of a home-decor gift card is excellent, as it shows your support for the couple’s interests.

Having them to your place is a fine invitation on any major holiday. But keep it simple. Barbecue season calls for relaxed serving of favourite foods.

Even though her parents live closer, you can still take over dinners when it’s convenient (make some things you know they like ahead, freezer-ready, so they can use them when needed).

Make it convenient for the couple to visit you with the baby any time, as well as on special occasions. Set up a place in your home where the baby can get diaper-changed conveniently and sleep in a safe portable crib or whatever the parents suggest they prefer (always best to buy what the parents want).

Then, you can also offer to babysit sometimes for a few hours when they’re ready for that, and when her parents aren’t available.

Be grateful for what you have

Reader’s Commentary Regarding the woman who wants to have more children but her husband’s against it (May 3):

“Twenty-seven years ago, we had a beautiful year-old daughter and I wanted another child. My husband did not. We only had sex when I wasn’t ovulating. (He always seemed to know).

“Then I got a psychic knock on the head that said, “There are no guarantees when you have a child. Be grateful for what you have.”

“I told my husband to get a vasectomy. No more children, but one child who’s grown up into a wonderful adult.

“I couldn’t be happier with this family. I don’t regret or hold it against my husband. Tell her, “Be grateful for what you have.”

“Be a loving, caring wife and mother. Someday you may be a mother-in-law with another person to love. Life is about what you have, not what you haven’t.”