Escape your fantasy world
Q. I’ve been seeing this man exclusively for two years, but he’s married. I’m convinced he truly loves me. Everyone thinks we’re a couple as we’re so close.
He’s said he has no plans for our future and I’m not in his plans. His reason is that he has a child with a foreign wife and he knows he’ll lose his child if he divorces. He wants to do his best for the child.
Although he knows I’m expecting marriage, he hasn’t left me.
At times when it gets too stressful, we do discuss that perhaps we shouldn’t meet anymore. Within a few hours, we’re back communicating with one another.
When he sees me all upset about this, he changes the subject so I’ll be happy again.
He says he doesn’t want me to have hopes and expectations. If so, why does he not want to leave me?
Could it be that he does have plans but is not sharing with me in case it doesn’t work out? About 18 months ago, he did say just that.
Now he says there is no plan for me and he’s determined to have his family back living with him again.
What’s in his mind?
A. So far, his mind has been focused on making sure he has two women and two separate lives.
He also thinks about the child that he needs to care for and he’s now more open to those plans.
It’s hard for you to accept, but it’s better to start now rather than remain in a fantasy of hopes and expectations. He’s right about that.
But he’s wrong to keep leading you on. He knows that, which is why he’s talking about living with his wife and family again. That’s his reality.
You can cling to your belief that your relationship will last, and that he doesn’t want to give you up. But he will. He’s warned you of this throughout the affair, which is what this is.
Start focusing your mind on how you’ll move on, and prepare yourself for it. That time could be coming soon since he’s speaking more openly about it.
What’s in a name?
Q. I’ve been in a relationship for several years with the man I love and want to marry. He has a 12-year-old daughter. He calls us both “babe.”
It gets awkward when both his daughter and I answer at the same time. Is this normal?
Do I ask him to call me something else?
A. What’s in a name? In this case, probably less than it may seems.
You love him, you don’t mention having any problem with his daughter, so it just sounds like it’s his casual, easy way of addressing you both.
But if it bothers either of you — if you feel diminished by it or his daughter feels slighted as if you’re interchangeable — then one or both of you need to tell him so.
Or, you and your potentially future stepdaughter could bond by deciding to discuss it with him together, in a relaxed exchange: Is she his “babe” as in adored child? Are you his “babe” as in girlfriend/partner? Is it the same name because he has equal but different love for you both?
If he has an answer that pleases you both, terrific. But if it’s just his universal but careless nickname for women in his life ... then, meh. Not so flattering. Tell him so.
Girls’ bad manners appal me
Q. My young teenage daughter is being invited to celebrations of birthdays and other events that take place at night So, I and three other parents formed a car pool, getting four girls including my daughter to the events and back home.
I’m appalled by the other girls’ bad manners (my daughter’s also been surprised/ embarrassed by this).
They don’t say hello or thank you to me. They don’t even acknowledge I’m there. How should I handle this?
A. Speak anyway, ask a question of one, say something to another.
If still no response, ask the other parents who drive if they get the same treatment.
And discuss this with your daughter. Know that at least one girl — yours — is being taught decent manners.