A star who’s ‘literally all over the place’
Emmy nominee for Atlanta and star of Deadpool 2 still struggles with anxiety
Zazie Beetz has had quite the year. The burgeoning actor returned for Season 2 of FX’s critically acclaimed dramedy “Atlanta,” unpacking more layers of her character Van in some particularly memorable episodes. (One scene from the episode “Champagne Papi” took on new life thanks to Drake, who included one of her lines at the end of his No. 1 hit “In My Feelings.”) This summer, she reached an even wider audience with “Deadpool 2,” receiving accolades for her performance as Domino, a mutant whose superpower is luck.
And in July Beetz received her first Emmy nomination, for best supporting actress in a comedy for “Atlanta” (available in Canada via rental from Google Play, iTunes and other services). As someone who suffers from severe anxiety, however, the awards recognition and the increased visibility that comes with it have not been easy to process. “I don’t even know if I should say this publicly, but I feel kind of like, ‘OK, cool,’” she said.
“I’m glad that shows like ‘Atlanta’ and our other contemporaries are having an opportunity to be seen and to be appreciated,” she continued, “and I’m glad that I can contribute in that way. That’s really what I’m happy about.”
In a phone interview, Beetz discussed exploring new facets of Van, her own biracial identity and experiencing anxiety and impostor syndrome in Hollywood. These are edited excerpts from the conversation.
We got to see a bit more of Van this season. One of the most fascinating moments was in the episode “Helen,” when you and your friend Christina have this debate about “choosing black” vs. “choosing white.” Did you have any input into that conversation?
We definitely improvised a bit in that scene. I think there is a culture of people who choose culturally one or the other. But even in the context of the show, though, I also hesitate to enter into that conversation just in general, because I think it’s really complex. And I think that especially for people like me, I guess, who are biracial, there are elements of both in your life. I think the question of, “Are you choosing white or are you choosing black?” can also be sensitive.
I think that it’s all context and perception of self. I think some people have a more fluid way of not choosing that and others do. I think there’s a lot of layers to it, so it is a very, I don’t know, touchy thing, which is why I’m having a hard time talking about it. I’m sorry. I’m literally all over the place.
No, that’s OK. It sounds like you’ve had to consider it even before this episode.
Yeah, definitely. I think that’s just the context of the country we live in, in terms of just the history and obviously slavery. Just the nature of colonization and what it means to have been culturally owned and erased for hundreds
of years. There is a lot of complexity to that.
And being comfortable just with, who are you? But even within that context, what I look like: I will always be perceived and am perceived and perceive myself as a black woman in America. But I still have within my culture, day to day, and how I interact with my family, also other elements and other parts of myself. So, it is an interesting dichotomy.
Even though Van is offended by Christina’s comments, I do think that they push your character in the direction of finally demanding better for herself when it comes to Earn.
I agree, yeah.
Did you see this as the moment she finally steps out of her shell and further away from the girlfriend/mother role?
That was one of the first things, after wrapping on the first season, they asked: “What direction would you like to see Van take?” I emphasized wanting to take her out of the context of just being a mom and just being with Earn (Donald Glover).
It’s a male-driven show, and in the first season I really enjoyed having the episode where I was engaging with another woman and with a friend, and learning about Van outside of just being a mother and just being a partner. Because those are two identities, but that’s not a whole person. So, I was really excited to explore that a little bit within this season, and for her to be OK with not needing to feel like she was supposed to be in a relationship in order for her to be a good mom.
Also, the offence at Christina’s comment was just the further implication of, “OK, because you’re saying I chose black, you’re saying I’m choosing abuse?” which is also another socialization in our country of: you choose black, you choose less. That was personally where I felt Van, her being kind of incensed about that. Should we expect to see more of that with her in Season 3?
There are no scripts available. I don’t even know if they’ve started writing them. We were going to
start shooting next year, but Donald’s schedule is really full, so we don’t know really when things are happening. But just based off initial conversations, yes, I think we’re definitely going to continue on that path.
You’ve spoken publicly about your struggles with anxiety. Now that you have the Emmy nomination, how are you managing those feelings? Does some of the pressure come from being a black performer in a fickle industry?
It’s interesting you bring that up. It almost makes me feel emotional. I’m sorry.
No, no. It’s OK. It’s just a big part of my life. I think this is actually a little bit weird — it’s where my not resounding, complete excitement for receiving an Emmy nomination is coming from: a feeling of complete impostor syndrome, and feeling like I don’t deserve it. I don’t know ... I hesitate saying that publicly, because I don’t want to come off like I don’t appreciate it. Yeah.
Sorry, I’m just — it’s something really hard to deal with, being in an industry where your validation is only from the outside, especially if your confidence isn’t high in your work. I just really want to do good work. That’s just important to me, and when something is really being publicly lauded, I just really want to feel like I did my best work, and I’m never sure if I do my best work. That’s something I’ve always struggled with, within my work and in this industry.
I’ve gotten much better at feeling like I have found my place, and like I deserve to be in a place. I’ve gotten much, much better at being able to deal with feeling very insecure or very anxious, or having panic attacks on set. But I think initially for “Atlanta,” it was my biggest opportunity. It was my first time showing my face to the world. So, I was very incredibly terrified of that.
In the context of being a woman of colour, honestly, I don’t worry as much about feeling like things in five years aren’t going to come. I worry more that I’m being cast just because they need to fill a brown quota, and because they feel obliged to do that, and not because they actually want me. I feel like, does that mean my work isn’t as good? Would I have been cast if there wasn’t public pressure now to make sure that one brown face is among the sea of white?
So, that’s where I believe that comes from, this feeling like I’m not actually, maybe, wanted, and that they’re just feeling pressure to want me.
Obviously, I think there is genuine interest and I have genuine relationships with people, but also I just happen to be coming into the industry during a time where this is a huge shift. So it’s an adjustment.