My rude fiancé always embarrasses me

Q: I’m heading into marriage with my high school sweetheart. I felt that we were growing together, and had both evolved for the better. However, a few things that remain consistent in my fiancé’s personality are his rudeness and shortness with others. I’d initially felt an attraction to his bad boy image. He was standoffish and rude toward others but to me he was loving. As we got older and established our careers, I find him more hostile and disrespectful toward other people. If we need a service completed, he treats workers rudely because he feels he’s paying them and can treat them however he wants. He also never accepts responsibility for his part in conflicts, constantly blaming others for bringing out negative and hostile reactions in him. When people tell me that he’s been rude to them, I feel so embarrassed. If someone has a differing opinion from his, he’ll disrespect them and tell them their ideas are stupid. When he tried therapy, he became very defensive and stormed out stating that the therapist knows nothing about him or his life. He said this is the way he is, and that he’ll never change. I love him and feel like we could have a great life together, but his behaviour is embarrassing. What should I do? Love or Let Go

A: There’s a saying that, “we are our own therapists,” which means that, internally, we sometimes know the obvious answer even before we ask the question — we just don’t want to be responsible for the decision.

Here it is in your own choice of words: let go. Now. Despite whatever you love about this man, his attitudes and actions will eventually drive you away.

Unless he accepts that his behaviour must change for you two to share a healthy marital relationship, you’ll still be asking this same question years from now.

He’s loving now, while still wooing you. But his rude, dismissive, blaming, nature will take over in time. You’ll be constantly embarrassed and fighting over his dealing with in-laws, children, neighbours, etc.

You need to physically and emotionally withdraw from this too-long commitment to a bad boy who’s not showing much likelihood of becoming a fine, respectful man of whom to be proud.

FEEDBACK Regarding the choice of forgiving close relatives who were critical at the family’s Christmas dinner, during the host’s serious illness (Jan. 21): Reader: “My sister-in-law read your column early that morning and called me. She, my brother, my husband and I all talked on speakerphone. “The couple apologized, and we had a long heart-to-heart. I then texted everyone involved, sending a link to your column and informing them that we’d spoken and forgiven my brother and sister-in-law. They then called everyone and apologized. “Those calls wouldn’t have been easy, but showed a great deal of character and integrity. “Recently, all who’d attended that Christmas dinner and all our children gathered for a wonderful afternoon and dinner. We told stories, laughed, and yes, cried. My very ill husband looked across the room at me with a smile that told me he found peace in this forgiveness, and so did I.” Ellie: It’s apparent that all involved here have integrity and good character. It raises the thought that the relative’s critical mood likely came from sorrow regarding the host’s failing health. Thanks for sharing the positive lesson of forgiveness. Ellie’s tip of the day

Marrying someone committed to a hostile defensive approach is a setup for years of fighting and unhappiness.

Ellie Tesher is an advice columnist for the Star and based in Toronto. Follow her on Twitter: @ellieadvice