It’s wrong, but it’s my last chance at finding love

Q: I’m an 85-year-old woman in love with an 85-year-old married man.

His wife of 60 years is in assisted-living because of a stroke four years ago that took her speech and caused paralysis. She also has slow-advancing cancer. He visits twice daily and ensures that she’s happy/content as possible.

He says there was no sex together for 10 to 20 years.

He met me soon after he was told she didn’t have long to live. She’s now seemingly improving healthwise and has good care.

I’ve experienced these circumstances myself and lost my man, so I understand his needing companionship. If we were younger, I’d probably not got involved.

I’ve been faithful to him for three years now. We’re compatible and look after each other’s needs and wants.

I feel guilty sometimes. I don’t like being secretive or a second fiddle, but I know it won’t change while his wife is alive, and I wish her no ill will.

I care too much for him to call it quits at our age and health issues. I’ve met his wife, like her and feel sorry for her predicament.

I’m independent with my own means and have no trouble attracting men, but no desire to do so. Yet guilt sometimes overpowers my judgment. Need Another Opinion

A: You’ve brought home a reality for readers to consider: The healthy seniors population is living longer, with consequences.

More people will reach this situation where one partner lingers with illnesses and the other survives, feeling “needs and wants.”

But many people will disapprove of your affair, since his wife is being betrayed even if she doesn’t know it.

Your feeling “guilt” doesn’t change that fact.

Yet, you’ve both spent three years in a relationship that lifted him from loneliness and despair, and brought you unexpected love at this age.

Honour his wife by staying as discreet, even secretive as possible. She doesn’t deserve being part of a gossip fest.

If guilt feelings increase, either rethink the arrangement, or accept that life’s too short for regrets.

Q: My boyfriend of six months confessed on our first date that he was still living at his ex’s place.

I said I’d wait until he left, then he could call me.

He called next day about getting another place and said he’d leave in a few days.

I trusted him as he took a big step toward me. But I learned two weeks later that he was texting/calling her behind my back.

He insisted there were no romantic feelings and showed me that he mentioned me a lot to her.

He admitted he shouldn’t have done this and was sorry. I asked him to cut off everything related to her, and he did.

He regularly shows me that he doesn’t do anything secretly anymore. Still, I have distrust and doubts.

He’s genuinely a good person, trying to earn my trust.

He keeps telling me to stop holding on to the past when I’m upset from out of nowhere.

Is it me? Still Wondering

A: Yes, partly. You’re apparently always checking his phone, which is oppressive and shows insecurity.

Yet you both rushed into a relationship based on one date and his response to your request. It was a promising but premature move. Now you hound him for constant proof of loyalty.

Seeing a therapist about the root of your insecurity could be very helpful. Ellie’s tip of the day Late-age love is a gift to enjoy. But if it feels stolen, decide how you can best handle it.